With a new puppy in the house, I spend a lot of time outside with her, training and playing with her and Koby. This week, I couldn't help but think about how the darkness of the night compares with my emotional state.
|Leia LOVES all of Koby's toys. She takes every single one of them out, throws them around his bed and lays on top of it, like she's the Queen Bee. He doesn't mind too much, she's growing on him.|
Now I can see more clearly that my anxiety is like the phases of the moon. I am currently in the New Moon phase, the dark side of the moon. For the past several weeks, maybe months even, I have had a hard time seeing any light. I feel down. I lack energy and motivation. My inspiration is zapped. There is a name for this and it's not anxiety. It's depression.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual checkup. Before I saw him, the medical assistant asked me, "In the past two weeks, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?"
"Has it prevented you from doing things you normally do."
Ummmmm...yes, most definitely.
The doctor increased the dose of my medication. I go back to see him in a month.
This got me to thinking about not only my journey these past two+ years, but my life's journey.
The dark side of the moon, my depression, has affected me just as much as my anxiety. Losing weight has helped me overcome it to a point, but when life kicks in, you cannot change your chemical makeup. I used food as a coping mechanism. This only backfired, leaving me feeling guilty after.
I have to be honest with you, I feel like this is a tremendous breakthrough for me. I am embracing it, embracing the depression. It's me. It's who I am and I am okay with it. The change in my medication will help. But now I have the skills I need to turn on a few internal candles, instead of allowing food to be my source of comfort.
Last night it was difficult. I wanted a Friendly's Peanut Butter Sundae Cup. If there had been any in the house, I would surely have eaten all 450 calories of one and snuck in a second one for good measure. Instead, I had a Skinny Cow, an orange and some peanut butter. Still was probably 450 calories, but it was controlled. The Skinny Cow satisfied my need for ice cream, the orange satisfied my need for sugar and the peanut butter staved off any additional cravings and hunger I might have for the rest of the the night.
This morning, I don't feel guilty.
I realize that I am in the New Moon Phase. Food will no longer rule my world.
Even though the gym is the last place I want to be ...
"Has it prevented you from doing things you normally do?"I will go, I will work through this.
Now that the weather is warmer, I will ride my bike more often, which will kick my adrenaline back up. Feeling the sunshine on my skin will boost my energy.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Deuteronomy 3:18 NIV
Questions for you: (Answer in the comments below.)
What plans to you have this weekend? Are you excited about spring?
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