For most of my adult life I have battled my weight. It was easy to shed the pounds when I was younger, so yo-yo dieting was more or less my lifestyle. I could shed 10 lbs. in one month without too much effort. As I got older, that became a lot more challenging and the pounds added on.
One of those times, in the early 2000s, I joined a local gym and started working out, running and eating virtually nothing. Another "crash diet" of sorts, but this time I wasn't just dieting, I was also working out, so I looked "toned." But then.
It happened.
This past October when #MeToo became a way to share solidarity among women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted, I considered if I should join the movement. There is a deep shame in being a victim. One you really don't want other people to know about. Because somehow, deep down, you wonder
Is (was) it my your fault?
Did I somehow bring it on myself.
Is it even that serious? I mean, other people have experienced so much worse.
We had a garden and used to share our extra vegetables with people I knew. Most of them were very appreciative and often wanted to reciprocate in one way or another.
One was a little too appreciative.
At the time, I drove a Ford Explorer, which had some rust damage on the body. One of the people I shared vegetables with offered to do some free body work on my car.
Little did I know the true cost of "free" labor.
When I went to pick up my car, the friendly man decided to put the moves on me. He grabbed my breast and my buttocks as I was getting into my car. I brushed his hand away and told him, "No!" It happened so quickly. I just wanted to get away.
The aftermath was super ugly and isn't really the point of my story here, so I will spare those details.
A few people who knew what happened couldn't understand why I didn't smash him. I don't know. I think when you're in a predicament like that, it's fight or flight. For me, it was flight.
Just. Get. Away.
As time progressed, I stopped working out. I did not want anyone to look at me and desire me. Then I stopped caring about what I ate or looked like. And gained all the weight (and then some) back.
Every time I tried to lose weight again, that incident hung over my head like a dark cloud.
You just feel so violated.
On my journey over the past four years, I don't think what happened has really affected my journey. I know it happened, it's behind me. I've moved on. My weight, my strength, my fitness level have been and continue to be all about me. There simply can be no looking back, no becoming a pillar of salt. Keep it moving, look ahead. Be the champion of today.
I'd like to say it doesn't bother me anymore, that I've put it behind me. But the truth is, there is still some shame. When I think about it, I can't help but wonder if I could have done anything differently to get away, to not put myself in that situation in the first place, to have avoided the fall out. Fortunately, time has allowed me to safely lock it up and tuck it away.
Today was different though. Letting out my secret was like plunging a knife into the old wound, stirring up the shame and insecurities of the past.
Something else happened earlier in the day that hurt my feelings. So when I came home and talked about it, the flood gates opened. Initially the tears were about my feelings being damaged. Did she really say that? I need to get thicker skin, I guess. But as I thought about the whole day. The secret I shared, I just could not stop crying.
I am sharing my story with you because silence only keeps us a victim. It only perpetuates the pain, the shame. When you are violated, it affects how you feel about yourself. Your self-image.
As I laid in bed tonight, unable to sleep, the thoughts of the day rushing through my brain...
My hurt feelings. How could she say that? What did she mean? Maybe I should have done or said this differently.
My secret. I wish I hadn't said anything. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Why did you bring that up?
...I cling to this verse:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14
If you, like me, are the victim of sexual harassment or assault, know you are not alone. Those of us who have experienced something similar understand. United together, we can support one another. Lift each other up.
When you look in the mirror, don't see yourself the way your abuser saw you. Look deeper.
It is okay to cry, to feel the pain,even if it happened a long time ago. There is something cathartic about the tears. It's like an emotional healing, a cleansing of the soul. Just don't let the tears, the pain take hold of you. Your past does not define nor control you. Your circumstances do not dictate your future or who you are. Be the champion of today.
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.
Romans 8:37
AND
Know this. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are NOT a victim, you are a survivor. An overcomer. You are loved.
Overcomer by Mandisa
Additional resources you may find helpful:
Dealing With Sexual Harassment at Work
Help and Support for Victims
How to help survivors of sexual assault.
Contact me: tracoleman99@gmail.com
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