Friday, April 3, 2015

What's your happy?

I hit a major milestone this week.  I haven't really had a chance to process what it means.  To be honest, I am struggling with how I feel about it.

Fridays are often a more casual day at work.  Last Friday, my friend Erica told me I need to get rid of my "granny" jeans.  I looked down and said, "What?  What's wrong with these?  I don't get it."  Okay, time to go shopping.  I had a crazy busy weekend, so by the time I got to the store, it was Tuesday night.  I grabbed a couple pairs of bootleg jeans, size 10.  For the heck of it, I grabbed a size 8.  Tried on the size 8 first and was in total shock when they fit!!!!  Tried on the size 10 and they were too baggy in the waist.  I said, "What the?"  I walked out with new jeans and a new pair of capris, both size 8.

There are no words.

When was the last time I wore a size 8?  I cannot remember.  I honestly think I might have gone from a girl's size 14 to a woman's size 10.  It's possible I wore a size 8 once or twice when I was in high school, in between binge diets.  My memory serves me that I was thinnest when I first got married.  I even wore a bikini on our honeymoon.  But I think I was wearing size 10.  That was 24 years ago, so who really remembers?

I have to tell you this scares me.  I don't really know how I should feel about it.  I've been working on  becoming "fit" for well over a year.  When I look at the scale, I am still 23 lbs. heavier than I was 12 years ago when I made my lifetime membership to Weight Watchers (which I did with points alone and no exercise.)  What happened?  Did fashion designers increase the fabric in their sizes to accommodate a fat nation?  Did my weight training make that big of a difference?  What does it mean that I can wear a size 8?

What scares me?  What if I fail?  What if I slide and gain the weight back?  What does that mean?

Worse.  I have witnessed first hand what can happen when a person loses a lot of weight.  Other things replace food in an effort to satisfy the emotional void that used to be filled by food.  The attention received for looking good is not worth a walk on the wild side, which could ultimately destroy a person's family and even the person him/herself.

Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord, Jehovah is my strength and my song; He also has become my salvation. 
Isaiah 12:2 KJV

In thinking about this, I realize that it's NOT the numbers on the scale or the number on the tag on my jeans that validates who I am or makes me happy.  My joy does not come from these things, as they are temporary and fleeting.  (I am not suggesting that I am going to give up on my fitness goals.  On the contrary, I now am more determined now than ever.)  Happiness and joy are found in things far more important.  The love I have for my friends and husband, my children, my parents, my dog (yes, he's family).  My career - I love my job and believe I make a difference in the lives of my students.  Even deeper is the love I have for God and an appreciation for the gift of Christ, for the sacrifice made on the cross that Friday, some 2000+ years ago.

What really makes a person happy?  It's not food.  It's not your physical appearance.

People tell me I look so much happier.  I am happy!!!  I feel so much better.  I am not in pain all the time anymore.  My depression has lifted.  I like what I see in the mirror.  It was only this week that I saw it.  But I know this kind of happiness is temporal.  The only true joy I can find is from the peace I find in the Lord.  The love and support I have from my friends and family sustain me and I count them among my blessings.

Found my ID from last year in my old office this week.  I did not see it until now.

My happy is ... a walk in the sunshine, a stroll on the beach, spring flowers blooming, time with my family, giving back to the community, making a difference in someone's life, spending time in prayer and worship with the Lord.

Me and Koby, January 1, 2015

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

What is your happy?

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof.
Happy by Pharrell Williams