Saturday, August 29, 2015

Don't Hold Me Back

For the past several weeks, I've been on a roller coaster.  There is an incredible amount of stress with opening school, with tremendous pressure to get things done right and smoothly.  I've had some real highs along the way, which have really brightened the path. This past week has been a plummet, feeling like the roller coaster was going to crash out of control.  Most of the craziness has been pressure with the opening of the school year.

My Ride to Remember shirt and jacket came in this month! 
I can't believe the dream is becoming a reality!
The Ride to Remember is in three weeks.  The big goal in front of me, what I have been working for all year.  I was not committed at first, the dream was a fantasy and I have worked hard to make that fantasy a reality.

 As the big day approaches and I deal with the opening of school, I have been feeling like I'm going to crack.  I have often been abrupt (and sometimes rude) to people who want this or that or the other thing from me.  One person came to see me yesterday and I said, "Please just tell me what you need.  I can't listen to the story right now.  Cut to the chase, what's the bottom line?"  That's not really me either, I usually want to talk and hear all about it.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:23-24 NIV

Working out has become my way of dealing with the stress, but the longer hours of work and a much earlier sunset, have prevented me from being able to ride my bike as much as I want.  AND I have not been getting to the gym like I am accustomed. 
Monday night's ride was beautiful!  Look at that stone farm house...this is at the top of a mountain in Stafford, CT.  My speed is finally starting to increase, from 14-15 MPH to 16+.  With the sunset so much earlier now, our rides are shorter.  Still thoroughly enjoyable!

This week, the train derailed more than once.  Time to get off the roller coaster.

The worst low was when I thought my support system was coming apart.  The internal dialogue you have with yourself, the messages you give yourself about your situation or your ability to deal with or overcome your circumstances is definitely the most essential key to accomplishing a dream. This ride is incredibly important to me.  I've been training for it and I know I'll be able to accomplish it.  I have a certain mental vision of what it will be like.  But lately, I am worn out from all the stress and have not been able to alter my internal dialogue.  So when I thought my vision of what the ride will be like was going to change, I could not deal with it.  Disappointment set in and I almost let it consume me.

Dmitriy has been a wonderful trainer, and I consider him a friend.  I've learned a lot from him.  He's given me the keys to open doors I did not even know were available for me to open.  I can't say enough about him.  But this week, he kicked me in the butt.  He gave me a major dose of, "What is wrong with you?  What do you care? and  Why would you let that person disrespect you?"  A real slap in the face, "Come on, Tracey, you're in the best shape of your life.  You got this."  I think I told him three times, "I'm done talking about this."  But he wasn't done.  A half hour of him beating me up.

But I needed it.  I needed to get off the emotional roller coaster.

The Lord gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:29, 31 NIV

Next day, the story changes and my lifeline decided to join me on the journey.  Great, just great, really.  I'm glad you want to join me.  I'll be there for you, like you have been there for me all along.  But this journey that I am on, this dream I have, this is about me.  It is about what I want to accomplish.  It's about realizing MY dreams.  It's not about you.  This may seem incredibly selfish, but I am okay with that.  So whether you are there for me or not, I am going to do this.  Don't hold me back. 

A COMPLETE aside...

Thursday night, my husband told me that my pants were too big (the size 8's).  Clearly that meant I needed to go shopping and get some new clothes, right?  At my heaviest, in 2013, I was a size 18.  I kept the jeans as a reminder of where I was and how far I've come.  When I went shopping last night, I left the store with these Size 4 Levi's.  NEVER in my life have I been a size 4.  Never. 
In 1991, when Brian and I got married, I weighed 140 lbs. and was a size 10. 
Today, I weigh 150 lbs. (+/- one or two lbs.) and these jeans are a size 4.  A size 4.  I can't really wrap my mind around it.

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Let me ask you...
How was your summer?
What crazy things did you do?
How do you handle stress?  disappointment?
Answer in the comments below.