Friday, July 21, 2017

Breakthroughs

Ah ha!

Have you ever had one of those moments?  You know, when you've been struggling with something for a while?  It keeps you up at night?  You worry and fret about it?  And then, one day, you sort of "get it."  Well, that happened to me the other day.

It's strange how your brain works sometimes.

Something happened last year.  I haven't really gotten over it.  I can't really talk about it here because it involves people I care about.  My business is my business, and if I choose to make it public, that's one thing.  But I can't really write about my relationships with other people on my blog.  It's not meant to be a gossip column, or a place for me to vent my grievances.  This blog is about my journey.


So, anyway, the other day... I was working out at the gym and I wanted to talk to the manager about something.  I introduced myself and I said, "Hi, I'm Tracey.  I used to train with one of your trainers.  If you have a minute..."  He said, "Yes, I met you once a long time ago.  I know who you are.  You lost a ton of weight."  We talked for a couple minutes and he said to me, "I'm really impressed with your workouts.  You've done a great job keeping the weight off."

My and my Nanny, 2012
Over the past 14 months, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster.  I've had one physical / health challenge after another.  On top of that, I've faced some personal losses.  My beautiful grandmother died.   I lost a friend.  My heart has ached.  Loss.  I almost let it consume me.


I wrote a lot about this last year:  The Change Factor
I did a great job keeping the weight off.  Someone that doesn't even know me noticed and thinks I'm doing a good job.  

It was then that I realized, "Ah ha!"

There were signs.  They weren't even subtle.  I know them.  I've lived with them.  Short temper.  Being simultaneously present and absent.  Unreliability.  Feeling like you're walking on egg shells.  Silence.  More...  I didn't want to acknowledge it, but everything pointed in that direction.  

Egg Shells
I did see the signs.  And after a while, I knew I had to change the nature of our friendship.  I care deeply about this person, but I also have self respect and I just don't let people walk all over me.  I don't deserve it.  It was never my intention to sever our friendship entirely, I just had to put some boundaries up.  It was a very difficult decision.  Even though it was the RIGHT thing to do, I regretted it.

The Toll It Takes
Worse:  I did not anticipate the consequences.  Things did not quite go the way I thought and our friendship ended completely.  This hurt me deeply.

I'm impressed with your workouts.  You've done a good job keeping the weight off.  

But I finally realized it was MY decision.  I started the ball rolling.  I did it.  And it was the RIGHT thing to do.  I don't think I realized that until my conversation with the guy at the gym.

Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Sometimes we have to do that, we have to do the difficult thing, make a difficult choice, and then we have to live with it, even when it hurts.  Unfortunately, sometimes that happens in life.  Relationships end, even abruptly.  It hurts, it breaks your heart even.  But sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.
Where I've been
I think, no, I know, I am spoiled.  As an only child, although I had rules, I was more than just loved.  My parents doted on me.  I was probably the luckiest woman alive to have met and married my husband, Brian.  He loves me, he knows me, he gets me.  He tells me I'm beautiful when I feel gross.  He gives me space when I'm cranky and want to be left alone.  He is my number one fan.  I also have some of the best friends on earth.  People whose company I truly enjoy; who are there for me in thick and thin; who tell me the truth, even when it's tough to hear; who love me the way I am.
My heart
So, when I lost this friend, I was hurt.  Even though I took actions which communicated, "I've had enough of the way you're treating me," I was hurt.

Over the past year, through out my physical challenges and personal losses, I've managed to keep my head up, even though I've wanted to bury it in the sand and cry.  Tonight I will say yet another prayer for this friend, but I know I will sleep a little sounder.

I did what I had to do.  It's okay.  I am okay.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
Psalm 34:18-19


Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
Do you struggle with depression?  Have you ever ended a relationship with someone you care deeply about and not understood what happened?  How did you get through it?

Musical notes    
This spring I started posting my favorite workout tunes.  This is on my Christian playlist.  I don't workout to it, but the lyrics and the music are incredible.  Just listen....
You're Gonna Be OK by Brian and Jenn Johnson
I know it's all you've got to just be strong.  And it's a fight to just keep it together.  I know you think that you are too far gone.  But hope is never lost.  Hope is never lost.  
Hold on, don't let go.  Just take one step closer, on foot in front of the other.  You'll get through this, just follow the light in the darkness.  You're gonna be ok.

Instagram:  @tracoleman99