Breakthroughs

Ah ha!

Have you ever had one of those moments?  You know, when you've been struggling with something for a while?  It keeps you up at night?  You worry and fret about it?  And then, one day, you sort of "get it."  Well, that happened to me the other day.

It's strange how your brain works sometimes.

Something happened last year.  I haven't really gotten over it.  I can't really talk about it here because it involves people I care about.  My business is my business, and if I choose to make it public, that's one thing.  But I can't really write about my relationships with other people on my blog.  It's not meant to be a gossip column, or a place for me to vent my grievances.  This blog is about my journey.

So, anyway, the other day... I was working out at the gym and I wanted to talk to the manager about something.  I introduced myself and I said, "Hi, I'm Tracey.  I used to train with one of your trainers.  If you have a minute..."  He said, "Yes, I met you once a long time ago.  I know who you are.  You lost a ton of weight."  We talked for a couple minutes and he said to me, "I'm really impressed with your workouts.  You've done a great job keeping the weight off."

My and my Nanny, 2012

Over the past 14 months, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster.  I've had one physical / health challenge after another.  On top of that, I've faced some personal losses.  My beautiful grandmother died.   I lost a friend.  My heart has ached.  Loss.  I almost let it consume me.

I wrote a lot about this last year:  The Change Factor

I did a great job keeping the weight off.  Someone that doesn't even know me noticed and thinks I'm doing a good job.  

It was then that I realized, "Ah ha!"

There were signs.  They weren't even subtle.  I know them.  I've lived with them.  Short temper.  Being simultaneously present and absent.  Unreliability.  Feeling like you're walking on egg shells.  Silence.  More...  I didn't want to acknowledge it, but everything pointed in that direction.  

Egg Shells

I did see the signs.  And after a while, I knew I had to change the nature of our friendship.  I care deeply about this person, but I also have self respect and I just don't let people walk all over me.  I don't deserve it.  It was never my intention to sever our friendship entirely, I just had to put some boundaries up.  It was a very difficult decision.  Even though it was the RIGHT thing to do, I regretted it.

The Toll It Takes

Worse:  I did not anticipate the consequences.  Things did not quite go the way I thought and our friendship ended completely.  This hurt me deeply.

I'm impressed with your workouts.  You've done a good job keeping the weight off.  

But I finally realized it was MY decision.  I started the ball rolling.  I did it.  And it was the RIGHT thing to do.  I don't think I realized that until my conversation with the guy at the gym.

Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Sometimes we have to do that, we have to do the difficult thing, make a difficult choice, and then we have to live with it, even when it hurts.  Unfortunately, sometimes that happens in life.  Relationships end, even abruptly.  It hurts, it breaks your heart even.  But sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Where I've been

I think, no, I know, I am spoiled.  As an only child, although I had rules, I was more than just loved.  My parents doted on me.  I was probably the luckiest woman alive to have met and married my husband, Brian.  He loves me, he knows me, he gets me.  He tells me I'm beautiful when I feel gross.  He gives me space when I'm cranky and want to be left alone.  He is my number one fan.  I also have some of the best friends on earth.  People whose company I truly enjoy; who are there for me in thick and thin; who tell me the truth, even when it's tough to hear; who love me the way I am.

My heart

So, when I lost this friend, I was hurt.  Even though I took actions which communicated, "I've had enough of the way you're treating me," I was hurt.

Over the past year, through out my physical challenges and personal losses, I've managed to keep my head up, even though I've wanted to bury it in the sand and cry.  Tonight I will say yet another prayer for this friend, but I know I will sleep a little sounder.

I did what I had to do.  It's okay.  I am okay.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:18-19

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
Do you struggle with depression?  Have you ever ended a relationship with someone you care deeply about and not understood what happened?  How did you get through it?

Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪

This spring I started posting my favorite workout tunes.  This is on my Christian playlist.  I don't workout to it, but the lyrics and the music are incredible.  Just listen....

You're Gonna Be OK by Brian and Jenn Johnson

I know it's all you've got to just be strong.  And it's a fight to just keep it together.  I know you think that you are too far gone.  But hope is never lost.  Hope is never lost.  

Hold on, don't let go.  Just take one step closer, on foot in front of the other.  You'll get through this, just follow the light in the darkness.  You're gonna be ok.

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Sometimes You Need a Little Help

I've been neglecting the blog again.  Whoops.

I started a different post, which needs something to make it more interesting, so it got put on the shelf.  Then we went away on vacation and ... here we are.

If you are a regular reader, you know I have been struggling with a bunch of different health related things over the past 12+ months.  After I hurt my back in March, my doctor told me not put a time line on my recovery.  "Listen to your body.  It could take a year, it could take longer."  I've already been dealing with my shoulder for a year, then my leg, now this.  The setback has thrown my anxiety into full blown depression, which I battle nearly every day.  I can have three or four really good days, followed by a week of feeling down.  It sucks the joy out of life.  To look at me, no one would really know.  I put on a good face.  I had an amazing day yesterday.  I went for a long bike ride with my friend Erica, then I went wine tasting with my friend Katherine.  I ordered a pizza for dinner, so I didn't even have to cook.  But last night I couldn't sleep, I laid in bed for almost two hours, wide awake, feeling so down.  Woke up super early and laid in bed awake for another two hours until I finally decided to get up.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

Psalm 34:17

Unless you have struggled with depression, it's hard to understand.  How do you have a great day, and then feel so down?  Nothing is really wrong, so you don't really want to talk about it.  Sometimes you catch yourself feeling it, realize you shouldn't be, and then you feel guilty for feeling the way you feel.  That's kind of what happened last night.  Usually a good night's sleep will help, but when that doesn't happen...

I went to church this morning.  The message was the first in a series entitled, "The Cross of Christ."  Our pastor talked about how we don't really fully understand the cross...  Christ knew no sin, but he gave EVERYTHING so we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21, adapted).  I left feeling encouraged.  My soul cries out, Hallelujah.  This song...

Man of Sorrows by Hillsong

Oh that rugged cross, my salvation, where Your love poured out over me.  Sent of heaven, God's own Son, to purchase and redeem..and reconcile the very ones who nailed Him to that tree.

In my last post, I told you I was going to start training with my friend Ashley.  Between my back and shoulder issues, I often feel defeated when I leave the gym.  It's one thing to have sore muscles, it's entirely different to push through back pain or to exasperate the tendinitis in my shoulder.  This is why I asked Ashley for help.  I've had two sessions with her and she's given me a workout plan, specifically to address my concerns about improving my strength and endurance.  

I have three different workouts, focusing on one of the major muscle groups each day and core strengthening each day.  She has me doing things I hate, like mountain climbers and burpees.  I hate burpees.  Really hate them.  But, she said, "It has to be uncomfortable for change to happen."  And I guess all my whining about my diminished strength and endurance means  I have to do things I don't like, even if it means doing burpees.  

Burpees are on for tomorrow.  Here are some messy mountain climbers.  I had to do 4 sets of 50.  I thought it said 5 sets of 50.... uggh.

It also means retraining my brain to muscle connections.  I've unconsciously been taking shortcuts to "protect" my back, while potentially putting myself in danger.  So instead of squats on the squat rack, it's kettle bells and focusing on depth and form...

I'm glad I have Ashley to work with me.  She's helps me with accountability too.  Today I wanted to stay home, instead I made sure I worked out.   I have to report out on how things are going at our next session.  No excuses.  No, "I was tired and feeling sorry for myself."  

Sometimes you just need a little help.  The trick is, asking for it.

Tonight I am feeling better.  I was able to accomplish a few things, grabbed a power nap, got to the gym, and even posted to my blog.  Breathe.

If you are interested in personal training, please contact me.  I can share with you my experiences and give you some guidelines for what to expect and how much it costs.

Question for you (answer in the comment section below):
Did you celebrate the 4th of July?  What did you do?

Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪

Not only does this song have a super rhythm, which is perfect for longer runs, but it reminds me of my husband.  He is my superhero, my fairy tale bliss.  He's the one I want to turn to, the one I can kiss.

Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

But she said, where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts, some superhero, some fairy tale bliss, just something I can turn to.  Somebody I can kiss.

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How long does it take to heal a broken heart?

I've been dealing with internet issues at home lately, so I haven't been able to update my blog.  I am working on posting a new blog entry about body image, but with all the connection problems, it has not been posted yet.  Even as I try to post this, the internet keeps going in and out.  Time to call Comcast.

That said, there have been a lot of things going on and I haven't even been able to update.  I want to start with where I am personally.  I've been going through a tough time for the past several months.  I haven't posted any specifics because it's deeply painful.

Here Without You by 3 Doors Down

Without giving too many details, I can tell you that in June I lost a close friend.  We spoke on Monday and I never heard from her again.  She stopped talking to me completely.  There was no argument or disagreement that I knew about.  I tried to make things right with her, but she never responded.  In July, I got a text message from her saying she was going through some stuff and wanted to catch up, but that was it.  I never talked to her.  We never caught up.  

I can't begin to tell you how badly it hurts.  I never had an easy time making friends.   I don't care how this sounds, but I can honestly say my husband is truly my best friend.

I have friends, don't get me wrong.  But it doesn't come easy for me.  For one reason or another, I have a hard time trusting people.  So, the loss of this friend hit me to the core.  It's been more than four months.  Some days are easier than others.  But the pain is there.  It's  like a constant ache in my chest.  Sometimes I can breathe a little easier than others. Time helps with that, I guess.

When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne

It has affected my fitness journey because I am fighting to care.  Yesterday was a gorgeous day.  All day at work, I said, "I'm going for a bike ride when I get home."  Instead, when I got home, I went to bed.  Slept for two hours.  I proceeded to spend the rest of the night, laying on the couch, watching TV until I went to bed.  Sadness rolling over me like the ocean surges from Hurricane Matthew.  Hurricane Matthew

It doesn't help that my shoulder is still hurting.  I re-injured it, doing cable flys a few weeks ago. 

Image from Women's Health and Fitness

It hasn't been right ever since.  Right now, it is throbbing.  I want to go to the gym and work out, but I'm concerned about my shoulder, so I'm hesitant.  This morning's mission:  CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

Where'd You Go by Fort Minor (feat. Holly Brook and Jonah Matranga

I decided to share this much today because my blog helps to keep me accountable.  How can I write about fitness, nutrition and motivation if I allow myself to be overcome by this?  It is a struggle. 

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

The silence hurts more than if we had a fight and parted ways.  The friend I used to talk to about things that were going on...from nonsense nothingness to the comings and goings of our day to our insecurities about life and the future...is gone.  And I don't know why.

My pastor asked on the church's Facebook page "Have you ever felt forgotten by God in your pain?" and "What do you do to keep connected to God and others in your pain?"

I sent him my response and shared it during a Sunday morning service.  You can listen to it here, if you really want to:  Evangel Assembly, go to August 21, "When Life Hurts" at 8:02

 and 25:37.

This morning, as I pick myself up from a day of depression and feeling broken-hearted, I must fight the urge to quit.  I need to turn to God and ask Him to help me work through this. The super sad love songs I included here, I really want to replay them over and over. They describe the pain I'm feeling so well.  Instead, I need to listen to happy music that motivates me and Christian songs that uplift me.  I can't dwell on what's wrong and let the waves of depression overcome me.  

When you go through tough times, when you lose a friend or loved one, when your problems seem insurmountable, you really have to reach deep and find your inner strength to keep going.  Giving up cannot be an answer.  It is okay to have a bad day, to feel deeply.  In fact, I think that's what makes us uniquely human.  What is not okay is to let one bad day turn into a pattern.

So my mission today is to get on it!  Even if it means I have to fake it a little...

Happy by Pharrell Williams

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth!!

If these connectivity issues persist, it will be a couple days before I post again, but I do have more to share!

Tough Enough to NOT QUIT!

Happy Day by Tim Hughes

Oh,happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same!  Forever I am changed!

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
What do you do to cheer yourself up when you are down?
What HAPPY thing are you doing today?


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Where have I been?

This past month has been a whirlwind.

My "diet" went completely out the window.

My bike was in the shop and the puppy ate my helmet, so I took an unexpected 3 week break from riding.  Almost gave up completely on doing this years' Ride To Remember.  I just didn't see the point. Why bother? You can't do this ride if you aren't training for it.

Ride to Remember, 2015

I finally finished the master schedule at work, which was excruciating and mentally consuming. I never want to do it again. I become everyone's worst enemy because they don't like the schedule, they don't like how it came out, there is this, that or the other problem. I have seriously had it.  School starts tomorrow, can you tell I am frustrated??

During our Faculty Meeting on Thursday, the other counselors and I were sitting on the floor in the auditorium working on our students' schedules.  I am sooo over it!

I had exactly two days off this summer. Two.

If you count the 4th of July, I had three days off.
During my long weekend "vacation", we went up to Little Allum Pond and spent the afternoon relaxing on the water with some friends.

Not being a quitter, I started training for the Ride to Remember three weeks ago, and resolved to stick to my 3 x week goal.  So far, so good. I feel STRONG and am enjoying riding more than I remember. In fact, I love it.  (I loved it before, but sometimes you forget how much.)

Rode for almost 70 miles last Saturday with over 4K of climbing.  Had an amazing time!  This is me at the top of Mt. Skinner.

Removing all dietary restrictions (not that I really had any, but...) and eating whatever I want  (when I'm hungry) has given me a lot more energy to ride this year. I feel like my "care free" food attitude has made a big difference in my energy level.

Did the Southwick Rail Trail a couple weeks ago.

Why haven't I been keeping up the blog?

I hinted to you that I've been going through something personal this year and it has really taken a toll on me emotionally.  I haven't been going to the gym as much as I am used to either because I'm in such a rut that I can only focus on one thing at a time. Right now, it's riding.

Sooooo hot!!!  First ride out withe my new gears and new helmet.  Talk about sweat!!!

Sleep was escaping me, and often still does. But the sheer exhaustion from riding my bike 100-125 miles per week has made sleep much easier.

I am largely in survival mode right now, makes it very difficult to write motivational blog entries.  Practicing what I preach during tough times is an internal struggle.  I can't give up. I know that.

Here are some truths I need to remind myself of daily....

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!
1 Chronicles 16:11

The Ride to Remember 2015 is in a little less than three weeks.  I am actually looking forward to it!  In a few minutes, I'm going out for a ride.  Maybe I will be able to shake off some of the stress from getting ready for school to start tomorrow!

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58

To close, here's a message I got this morning from my dear friend Amy:

"God knows and wants us to lean into him...be very vulnerable...but it's the safest place to be."

Advice to live by...

Question for you...Answer in the comment section below.

Are you excited about "Back to School?"
What fun / exciting things did you do this summer?

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Feeling it!

I've been super busy the past few days.  Today is the Pippin Family Reunion, so I don't have much time to write.

I wanted to give you an update on my new program, so today's post will be a Photo Blog.  I'll write more soon.  The topic has been transformation, so I will continue with that theme.  Meanwhile, here's my week in review:

I started my new program on July 9 and I want to take weekly update pictures.  This is my first update photo.  Due to my traveling last week, I took this a day late, but you get the idea.

My family had shrimp scampi for dinner on Sunday night, but I dropped the oil and butter and made my own healthier creation.  (Below.)

Sauteed garlic cloves with cooking spray, added canned chopped tomatoes (low sodium) and cooked it down. so the broth was thicker.  Then I added wilted spinach, 4 oz. shrimp and some Italian seasonings (basil, parsley & oregano) and heated until warm.  I served it over 1/2  C whole grain pasta.  It was amazing!

I got in some good workouts.  The core workout really pushes the limits.

Leg day.  With me nursing a sore shoulder, I can't really lift like I used to.  This has been a real struggle.  I did some straight leg dead lifts with 95#, but woke up in a lot of pain with my shoulder that night, so I'm thinking I need to go lower weight.  I have the strength to lift, but my shoulder needs to recover.  My physical therapist gave me a stern talking to this week.  Sigh.

I only got in one bike ride this week, which ended in a flat tire.  I blew out the tire, which needs to be replaced.  I decided to have some work done on my bike too.  When I get it back, I'll tell you what I did and how I like it.  Big changes.

You've heard of protein pancakes, right?  Well I tried Protein French Toast this week. I got this recipe from Monica at Run Eat Repeat and it was amazing!

I used 1/3 C egg whites, a splash of unsweetened almond milk, a tsp of vanilla, a dash of cinnamon and mixed it together. I dipped two slices of Ezekiel bread in the mixture and coated each with protein powder (1/2 scoop) and cooked on the griddle like you would French toast. I topped with 1/4 C sugar free syrup and some sliced strawberries. It was a real treat. 292 calories: 1.8 g fat/ 50.5 g carbs/ 20.6 g protein/ 7.8 g fiber.

Personally, I had a rough week and had a very hard time sleeping.  I was pretty much a basket case on Friday, so I decided to take it out at the gym and added a 3rd Leg Day and core workout to my regimen.  It was great!  And really helped me to keep my mind off my worries.

So, this one!  She found out that she could get on top of her room and she likes it there.  She spends most of her "free time" either in or on the crate.  Right now, she's there and chewing on a bone, which is a lot better than destroying something else in the house.  I still love her.  

I took yesterday off.  Pretty much from everything.  Mitch, Jenna and I went to Hammonasset Beach on the shore in Connecticut. I did follow my meal plan, but I can't tell you how nice it was to just relax.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

There's something about feeling the sand between your toes.

My beach lunch...brought to you by Foldit...an awesome wrap I found. 90 calories, 2.5 G fat, 15G carbs, 7 G protein, 7 G fiber. This particular one is 5 Grain Flax. Add a little tuna, lettuce and tomato and you have an AMAZING sandwich. I love sandwiches! 

Even though he's 21, he's really only about 5 inside.  He dug this ginormous hole...actually, he dug three holes and tried to connect them, but they collapsed.  He ended up making one humongous hole instead.

When it was time to go, Jenna buried him.

The sea does something to bring me down a few notches.  I really needed the rest yesterday and it was a great remedy for my soul.

Okay, drum roll, please!!!!  Progress update...

Two weeks into the new fitness program and I've lost 7.4 lbs.  I was complaining last week about only having lost one pound.  But when I redid the math, I actually had gained a pound.  I know that wasn't the program though.  That was a result of my body not liking the traveling.  So, as of this week, it's a total loss of 7.4 lbs.  I couldn't be happier.  I have never lost weight like that before.  Ever.  I mean, I get it...water, weight fluctuations, whatever.  But this is results.  I'll share more with you about my new program later.  

Before on left, now on right.  Getting leaner, but not skinny and I like it.

I'm definitely feeling it!  And I'll be honest with you, having a new program to focus on has really helped me to keep my mind off my troubles.   While life is happening around me and my heart is heavy (indeed), I couldn't physically feel better.  My shoulder needs to mend.  My physical therapist is concerned that I am overdoing it, which is keeping me from recovery.  "Tracey, you need to think about the long term health of your shoulder.  Do you want X, Y and Z to happen?  Or do you want to recover?"  So I have come to the conclusion that means a major step back, but I will not quit.  I am more determined than ever.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelations 21:4 ESV

Off to take the puppy for a walk.  Happy Sunday, everyone!  I'll write ,more soon.  Lots to talk about.

Transformation...

Week One of the New Me

So, my first week of my new program was ROUGH.  And I mean rough.  The cardio nearly killed me.  My legs felt like rocks.  I thought I was in shape and just needed a tune up.  Yeah.  Sure.

I feel great though.  It's invigorating to have this new challenge, even though it's exhausting.  What I like most is fighting to overcome the desire to give in, to throw in the towel.  That might sound crazy, but when you have to fight with your own will to keep going and then you succeed - the sense of satisfaction is a reward you can't really describe.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.  With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.
Psalm 16:8-9

Part one of my new goals is three rides per week.  One for distance, another for hills and a third just because.  I did some traveling this week, so I only got in two rides, but I got both hills and distance...

Sunday I decided to do some hill training.  Glendale Road is a hilly road and this is just about the top.  I felt really good about my ride.  There was a light rain shower towards the end of the ride, so it cooled me off.

Part two of my new goals is to ramp up my cardio and change my strength training.  I can't believe how much I sweat.  Real girls don't sweat, so apparently I'm not sweating, it's just salt water coming out of my every pore.

Sunday I did a HIIT workout at the gym (after my bike ride). I don't think you can see it here, but I was soaked with salt water (AKA sweat).  It was dripping off me.  Yuck.

Hills AND distance for this ride...

Monday night I took a bike ride with the Comp Edge group.   It was a slower pace than I usually go, but after riding on Sunday and adding distance today, the hills killed me.  It was a beautiful ride.  The weather was perfect.

An early morning workout...cardio and abs...

More sweat!  (can't see it, but my shirt was dripping)

And my baby always makes my day, even when she drives me crazy!

Don't you know deck boxes are meant for napping?  (I woke her up when I took this picture.)

Part three of my new program has been a complete change in my nutrition program.  I am still tracking calories and macros, but I'm cutting out all the sugar and simple carbs and sticking to only healthy oils. To get me through, I'm eating a lot of protein and more frequently, which is its own challenge.

The hardest part of starting a new fitness / nutrition regimen was doing it while traveling.  I tried to follow the program to the "t", but the days were very long, meal options were a challenge and the fitness facility at my hotel was very limited.  I did get in a lot of cardio though.

For cardio (by itself), I am doing intervals on the treadmill.  Interval training has proven far more effective for fat burning and better over all results.  I did skip the donuts, but they looked so good!
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Here are some other shots from our trip:

Me, Mrs. Crowley & Dr. Johnson - It was so nice to spend time with them and get to know them better.

We had very long days, but were fortunate enough that our hotel was right outside of Fourth Street Live where there were plenty of restaurants and entertainment at night.

Our hotel was at this intersection.  How cool is that?

So, I am officially onto Week 2 of my program.  I lost one pound during the first week.  I was a little disappointed not to lose more, but with the traveling, I guess I did pretty well.  I gained 10 lbs. since May and I'd like to take it off.  (In my last post, I told you...I've been going through some personal things, and was eating to sooth myself...)

The best thing about traveling is coming home.  I had a nice time, I did.  I learned some things I can take back to work with me when school starts.  But I missed my family, especially my husband.  I slept terribly while I was away.  I am so glad to be home.

Leia missed me.  Brian sent me pictures of her every day.  Look at those sweet brown eyes.  How could you NOT be happy to come home to this?

As I start Week Two, I have one message to say, "Let's do this!"

Robb Stark from The Game of Thrones

So, I started early...

Sunday morning workout.  I skipped church this morning.  I hate to do that, but being away and having to work tomorrow, I really need to catch up on things around here.  Did some laundry and cleaning this morning and am heading out to do errands in a bit.  All before 12:00 noon.  It's a good day already.

I challenge you to get out there and move your body.  The biggest part of change is doing something, that first step. So do it!

Here's another really good workout song for your playlist:

Work from Home 

Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign

Question for you...Answer in the comment section below.

Are you traveling this summer?  Where?

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