When what you DO isn't working

Over the past nearly five years, I have been focused on my journey towards health and wellness.  It's been a total transformation of body, mind and spirit.

This means, when what you've been doing isn't working anymore, you really have to sit down and say, "What's wrong?"

Back up.  Like thirty steps.

I haven't posted anything in months, so I feel bad jumping in like this without some background.

In June, 2016, I hurt my shoulder.  I continue to struggle with the pain which comes and goes.  That October, I had surgery on my varicose veins, from which I developed several superficial blood clots that kept resurfacing.  To correct that, had more extensive surgery in December.  That was 2016.

In February, 2017 I hurt my back.  In March, I slipped on black ice at work and re-injured my already compromised back.

The pain was so bad, I had to go to the e.r.  I could not walk.

Followed by MONTHS of recovery...
For days, I pretty much just laid flat on my back on the floor.

Fast forward to November, 2017 and I was feeling frustrated by the lack of progress in my training, my now significantly weakened body, and a slow increase in my weight and change in body composition.  My pants weren't fitting anymore.  I was still watching / counting my calories and macros, but I wasn't seeing any results.  In fact, I was going backwards from where I wanted to be.

I was introduced to my trainer, Pat who is AMAZING.  A completely new focus on my training meant injury recovery and strength building, which meant I had to EAT!  And so I ate... pretty much whatever I wanted.  Days went by where I would log my food, but I didn't care if I went over my calories.  On days when I splurged (which became far more frequent), I logged breakfast and lunch, but left dinner and snacks out.  MyFitnessPal kept telling me I'd be super thin in 5 weeks, but the reverse is what I witnessed.

Come spring and the weather finally turned warmer and my bike came out of hiding.  And I struggled.  Pat would say something like this:  "Tracey, you have to eat.  You can't lift heavy, ride your bike for 30+ miles and lose weight without a compromise.  Something has to give."  Uggh.  I don't want to get fat again.  I want my clothes to fit.  I want to ride my bike and I want to lift heavy weights.  I want it all.

Literally, I wanted my cake and eat it too!

When I started this journey, one of my goals was to complete the Ride to Remember.  This year was my 4th year doing the ride.  Each year has been a unique experience.  I trained so hard for it the first year that I actually felt easy.  That said, in the years that followed, my training waned slightly each year, on top of struggling with chronic pain.  This year was going to be different.  I was NOT going to let pain interfere with my ride.  And, I was determined to train hard for the ride without obsessing like I did the first year.  This new mindset and focus paid off.  I will write more in another post about the day, but to sum it up, this year's Ride to Remember was an amazing ride!!!

BUT...Friday night when I was packing my clothes for the ride home on the bus, I was looking for a comfortable t-shirt to wear.  I took out both of my favorite Wonder Woman shirts and neither fit.  Too tight.  I took out another Wonder Woman shirt and IT didn't fit.  WHAT THE HECK!

While I could put them on, they looked tight and I looked ridiculous in them.

Now, I had already been talking to Pat about changing the focus of my training after the Ride to Remember.  And I knew that clearly, while counting (and eating) calories and macros had been helping me to build strength and train for the ride, it wasn't helping me to stay lean.  I asked him what he thought about the Keto diet.  It scared me.  I am carb dependent.  I really am.  I've tried low carb before and it's always been a complete disaster.  I am such a fan of flexible dieting that I really struggle with the mindset of restricting / eliminating food groups.  Flexible dieting allows you to eat cake!  Not all the time, but on occasion.

In all seriousness, I knew that was used to work for me wasn't working anymore.  I'm getting older. At 49, the pre-menopausal hormone fluctuations mess with my body and ability to sleep.  I live with fatigue and have aches and pains where there were none before.  Sleep often daunts me, so I live with fatigue.  I have aches and pains where I didn't used to have them.

I knew change is necessary and I believe it starts at the core.  Nutrition.  This is why keto intrigued me.  I had read how good it is for people who have certain medical conditions, as well as for burning body fat.  And that is key to me.  While the numbers on the scale haven't changed that much over the past year or two, my body composition has changed and I want to lean out.  To see definition in my muscles, even on days when I don't work out!!

This week, I jumped off the cliff, into the deep and and began my KETO journey.  The keto diet is a way to transition your metabolism from using carbohydrates for energy to using fat.  Today is Day 7 with my new food plan.  It has NOT been an easy initial transition.  I am carb-dependent, so the severe cutback really got to me for the first several days.  AND I still want to ride my bike, so I am going to have to figure out how to carb-cycle on days when I ride.  I tried to ride yesterday and it was not a good ride.  Despite the rocky start, I am committed to make this work.  I know seven days is not enough time to fairly say this is or is not working for me.

I am focusing on the positives.  I don't feel or look bloated anymore.  I don't look like I'm pregnant anymore!!  I still feel like I'm in a caloric deficit, I'm already past the cravings and the feeling like I have to eat all the time.  The scale is not the sole guideline for success, but I have lost 5 lbs. so far.  And Pat put together a new training plan for me that focuses on both strength building and fat burning.  I start that today, so I'm looking forward to that! 

I'm also taking some risks with my cooking, like these pan-seared scallops and roasted asparagus.  The scallops don't look "seared" because I'm new to this and figuring out how to blacken them without them sticking to the pan is a work in progress, but they were SOOOO good!

I'll be writing more as I endeavor to be successful on this new segment of my journey.  I'm looking forward to sharing with you both the ups and the downs.  The measure of success for will be how I feel mentally and physically, as well as how I look in the mirror / how my clothes fit.  Stay tuned.

I want to look good in a sports bra and short shorts again!

This was taken yesterday.  It's my new before shot!

Stay tuned for more, including all about this year's Ride to Remember! 

Meanwhile, be the champion of today!

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comment section below.)

How is your nutrition going?  What food plan do you follow?  Have you ever tried keto?  Any tips to share, let me know!!

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Want information about personal training?  

Contact Pat!  He's AWESOME and you will really like working with him!

Are you kidding me?

One thing I always wished I could do, but never was able to do is push-ups.

I tried and tried.  I struggled.  What looks so easy, for me was super hard.  I made being able to do them a goal.  As my strength improved, I wrote about the progress I saw in doing them:  Five and Ten.  It was exciting to see real progress.  Eventually they became so easy that I stopped doing them, except as part of a HIIT routine.  When I hurt my shoulder, I was under strict orders to not do them until after my shoulder healed.

Since that time, being able to do push-ups well and "easily" has plagued me.  So after my back injury last February, I made it a goal to improve upon them again.  But it has been difficult.  In May of last year, I was able to do three sets of 15 push-ups.  So hard!  I mean super hard.  It wasn't so much doing them as the weakness in my shoulder.  Not for nothing, when things are hard, you tend to shy away from doing them.  Why do I want to do this if it's this hard?

When I started training with Pat, he had me doing three sets of 15-20 push-ups.  I was like, "I'm not going to be able to do that.  I can barely do 10 push-ups and you want me to do 15?"  He said, "If you can do a Dumb-Bell bench press with 25 lbs., you can do 15 push-ups."

So for three weeks, I did three sets of 15 push-ups (never 20).  And it was NOT easy.  One week I couldn't even do one single push-up.  Not one.  "It's a mental block," Pat responded.

I hated doing them.  Unlike three years ago when doing push-ups motivated me, this time around, I was not enthused.

Then the next three weeks, he changed it up and had me doing four sets of 12-15 reps.  I always tried for the 15, but four sets was a lot.

This week, he changed it up again.  When I looked at the plan for this week, it changed from 4 sets of 12-15 to FIVE sets of 20 push-ups.  That's 100 push-ups.  Are you KIDDING ME???

So when I saw him this week, I said, "What in the world are you thinking?"

He said, "You can do it."  Confident as can be, like it's no problem.

I was like, "I can't do that!  There's just no way."

He said, "Yes you can.  Easy."

I said, "Well, I can't do five sets of 20 push-ups all together like that.  It's just not going to happen.  I mean, maybe I can do them if I work them throughout the entire workout.  One set after each group of exercises, but not all at once."

His response, "I don't care how you do them, just get them done."

Get them done?  Doesn't he know I have a shoulder injury?  Doesn't he know these are super hard for me?  What does he mean, "Just get them done."

"Ok, boss."

And so Friday night was the moment of truth.  100 push-ups.  Five sets of twenty.

We get to the gym, I figure, let's get the first set done now and just see, while I'm feeling strong, how I do.  Is 20 even on the table?  (Great way to think positive, isn't it?)

And I do it.  20 push-ups.  No problem.

I decided to do 20 at a time, throughout my workout, allowing my shoulder/ body to recover before attempting the next set.  And it worked!  Twice I had to take a 10 second break in between to finish the 20 reps, but I did all 100!

Here is my last set:

So, what's the point of this whole post?  Overcoming the way you think and feel about food, about exercise, about yourself:  your self-image, your abilities, your potential... This is so key to your success.  Over four years into this journey and I still struggle.  I have doubts.  While they may be based on reality (I do have tendinitis in my shoulder, there is weakness there, I do continue to have pain), the fact is I can do more than I believe I can do.

When you get to the point when you feel like, "What am I doing?" or "I can't do this" or you feel like just giving up, stick with it.  You have SO much more potential than you can even begin to believe.

I did 100 push-ups.  Not five or ten like I did three years ago.  One-Hundred.   I didn't think I could.  I thought Pat was crazy.  I was even miffed with him a little.  It wasn't clean, it wasn't perfect, but I did it!  

- - - - - - - - - -

"Why Have a Trainer?" is a topic I discussed in January.  Having someone push you beyond your own self-expectations, to basically say, "It's no big deal, you can do it."  THIS is why I have a trainer.  I struggled with one health issue after another over the past 18+ months and tried to figure out how to get back on the path by myself.  Every set-back and every self-doubt left me feeling badly about myself and where I was going.  Not really knowing what to do to get things back on track left me frustrated, which is WHY I sought out Pat.  He is really awesome.  

If you are thinking about having a trainer, you definitely want to check him out.  The rates are affordable and he is amazing.  If you live in the area, you can train one-on-one with him.  If not, he does online coaching as well.  Check out his website for the details:  Patriotbody.com.  I cannot say enough about him.  Training with Pat means you will see growth, you will make change, you will accomplish your goals.  Either way, check out his website.  There is contact information for him there.

There's a saying out there, "Put on some gangster rap and get over it."  Here's the newest song on my playlist:

Not Afraid by Eminem

And I just can't keep living this way.  So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage.  I'm standing up, I'mma face my demons.  I'm manning up, I'mma hold my ground.  I've had enough, now I'm so fed up.  Time to put my life back together right now!

Question for you:  (Answer in the comment section below.)
What holds you back?

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My new mantra:  Be the Champion of Today!

Have a great weekend!  Go get 'em!

Confidence

So much of this journey has to do with confidence. 

When you are over weight for most of your adult life, you tend to not have much confidence when it comes to body image. I was never good at sports, so even though I can ride my bike 100 miles, run 5 miles and lift weights, I lack confidence with pretty much anything fitness related.

Fall, 2013

I am the head of the department where I work and have many successful and varied leadership experiences.  I write a blog about health and fitness.  Ha!  But I'm still insecure about my weight, and since I hurt my back this year, I have felt completely lost with my workouts.

Me, laying flat on my back during my recovery.  Uggh.  (Cool filter, isn't it?)

What's enough?  What's too much?  This is hard!  I want results... NOW!  Why bother?

After I wrote my last post, Breakthroughs, I got to thinking about my own lack of self confidence.

I am really starting to find my inner joy again.

Everyone has an internal belief system, built upon your own perceptions of what is true and real to you.  If you believe something to be a certain way, changing that belief system is not easy.  To do that, you have to recognize that your perceptions are faulty and you have to have the courage to replace them with a more solid set of realities.  This is complicated, but let's look at it from a child's perspective.

When my sons were little, they had to learn how to do a variety of different basic skills from walking to riding their bike and swimming.   We had a pool, so they were used to being in the pool with various flotation devices.  As they got older, we taught them how to float on their own, how to tread water, and ultimately how to swim.  One of my boys was terrified to swim without assistance.  We brought him to swimming lessons and he basically had a complete melt down.  He needed to have courage to face his fears and he needed to put aside his belief that he had to have a floatie (or a noodle or Mom / Dad) to swim.  Out of the two weeks of lessons, he probably only got into the pool half the time.  It was not what I would consider a success.  That summer, we focused on skill building with him.  The following year, he got into the pool with no problem.  He went on to join the local swim team and swam right through high school.  He had to have courage to replace his belief system.

The same holds true with the journey on this road to fitness.

Believe in yourself!  You CAN do it!  Smile!  Put one foot in front of the other.

Whether you are just starting out, are mid-journey, or like me, are have been on this path for the long haul, you will face obstacles and roadblocks along the way.  You are probably the biggest obstacle.  Yes, you.  What you tell yourself, what you believe.  Recognizing negative self-talk or messages that communicate defeat is essential.  It's okay for things to be challenging, you CAN learn how to work around or overcome your circumstances.  But, you have to tell yourself that.  AND you HAVE to believe it can be done.

Working with a personal trainer helps a LOT.  I started working with Ashley about a month ago and I am so please with how well things are going for me.  She has given me specific things to work on building both my endurance and strength.  The workouts she has me do target my specific weaknesses without causing further injury.  She's also been available in between our sessions.  I will send her a video of a workout and say, "Hey, this is how I'm doing with this, what do you think?"  Then at our session, she provides me with strategies to improve.  She also provides a lot of positive reinforcement, which I realize I need.  I need to know I am doing a good job, and hearing it from someone else, especially a professional, really gives me the confidence I need.  It's worth the financial investment.

My riding buddy, Erica

You may not have a personal trainer, or be able to afford one, but I do recommend you find a workout partner.  Someone to train with so you can encourage each other.  It helps with accountability too.  If someone is counting on you to be there, you're not as likely to let them down.  If you are working on the same training plan, you can provide each other with great feedback too.  Even in between workouts.  I've been riding my bike a lot with my friend Erica.  Even when we don't ride together, we send each other Snapchats of our rides - before, during and/ or after.  When we ride together, we talk about how we are going to tackle a particular hill or what route we want to ride to challenge ourselves.  Having a partner really makes it worth while.

Friday morning we both went out for a ride, but not together.  I sent Erica this selfie, taken at the top of a very aggressive hill I climbed.  It was a major accomplishment to get up that hill!

No one else can give you the self-confidence you need though.  You are the one who has to address your own fears and insecurities.  Recognize them for what they are.  Tell yourself, again and again, that you can do this.  Believing you can; refusing to give up; working around your busy schedule, your day to day obstacles; making your daily goals happen - this is key to long term success.  Believing you can is more than half the battle.  It's critical to achieving your goals, no matter what they are.

Stick with it.  It's worth it.  Give yourself positive affirmations daily.  Yes, daily.  This is not about becoming arrogant, conceited or self-indulgent.  It's about building your self-confidence, giving yourself the tools you need to accomplish your goals.

And remember, YOU do the hard work!  You do it!  You are a champion of every hurdle you cross, every obstacle you defeat.

Challenge for you:  If you accept the challenge, respond in the comment section below how you will do it.
Think about one thing you want to accomplish and haven't gotten around to it because   fill in the blank . Then, go out there and do it.  What is it?  How will you make it happen?  Check back with me periodically and let me know how you're doing with that goal.


Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪
Now, this song should REALLY motivate you to get out there.  Don't let anything hold you back!

There's Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes

You take all my inhibitions.  Baby, there's nothing holding me back.

You take me places that tear up my reputation, manipulate my decisions.

Baby, there's nothing holding me back.  There's nothing holding me back.

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Goals

How was your weekend?  We went away for a wedding in Maine and it was amazing.  What a great weekend!

This is Part Three in my series "All or Nothing." Today I am focusing on fitness and exercise. This has been my biggest mental hurdle over the past year because I have been dealing with one injury or health related issue after another, with virtually no relief.  My doctor has given me at least two stern talking to's about overdoing it. I have had to take a MAJOR step back and let my body heal, which has resulted in both some weight (fat) gain, a significant loss in muscle mass, and a blow to my routine.

This was during recovery from my back injury.

What used to be normal is now work. What used to be a warm up is now my work out. While I used to go out for a 30+ mile bike ride 2-3 times per week, I have only been on one this entire season.

I, myself am fighting the all or nothing game. I want to be what I was a year ago. Heck, I'll take where I was six months ago. But that's not the case, so I stand here at the crossroads of "Try again, do it again, it's worth it!" and "Ugggh, I don't want to do this. It's hard."

When my motivation is high, I tend to overdo it. I just got over a migraine that lasted 10 days. And my shoulder has been bothering me for the past couple days.  It stinks to get old.

This post is all about setting weekly, or even daily fitness goals.   If you are just getting started, or are working your way back from injury or medical issues, the key to long term success is to start small.  Don’t set impossible goals you cannot achieve.  Be practical.  It's okay to reach a little, but don't set unattainable goals and set yourself up for failure.

I am thinking one bike ride is realistic and two is probably a stretch, but I am going to try to ride on Wednesday and again on Saturday morning.

I am doing this, starting today.  My nutrition for the weekend was literally off the chart, so today I am going to reign in the food demons and make sure I get my workouts in for the week, and that’s what my goals reflect.

I took the word "vacation" to heart.  I ate and ate and ate.  Rum Raisin ice cream on top and Peanut Butter Fudge Swirl on the bottom with a waffle cone bowl.  OMG, to die for.

For me, the mind game has to some extent been about time. I find myself thinking, "If I can't get to the gym and workout for an hour, why bother" has been a trap.  Truth be told, my weight on the scale hasn't changed more than 5 lbs since Christmas, and that's because I've got my nutrition figured out pretty well. But your muscle mass will diminish if you don't train, and that's what has happened. The rule about muscle weighing more than fat is fact, not fiction. So while the scale hasn't moved around much, my clothes don't fit like they used to.  The image in the mirror is not as sexy as it was. I don't like it.

I got to the gym yesterday and did a push workout.  Just because my nutrition was a mess for the weekend doesn't mean I couldn't work out.  It felt good to be home.

I battle between what I want (now) and what I want (long term). It's a struggle. And the problem is two fold. One: physically, I can't do what I could do or I run the risk of reinjury. Two: I have to turn off the nagging voice in my head that tells me to quit, to give up.  It’s so easy to just let my busy schedule take over my days.

This whole learning to listen to my body means turning off the dueling voices in my head.

Here are today's goals:

Part of my issue has been time and today is no exception.  I am bringing my gym stuff to work, going to the gym on my way home and then to my 4:00 p.m. appointment.

My challenge for you this week is to set some goals.  Make them SMALL and ACHIEVABLE.  If you don't work out at all, don't set out to walk six miles every day.  Try 3-5 walks per week ... maybe 1 - 2 miles per walk.  And, don't forget the weights.  Try a basic introductory workout at the gym like this one from BodyBuilding.com:  Best Beginning Weight Trainer Guide with Easy-to-Follow Workout or this one The Complete 4-Week Beginner's Workout Program from MuscleAndFitness.com.  The trick is start small and light.  Do NOT put the maximum amount of weight on the rack, thinking you got it.  If it feels like you got it, take it down at least one notch.  Focus on form over the amount of weight.  You don't want to overdo it and either hurt yourself or quit.

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
What did you do this weekend?
What goals do you have for the week?

Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪

This is another MUST have on my playlist.  A definite favorite!

Can't Stop This Feeling by Justin Timberlake

I got the sunshine in my pocket, got that good soul in my feet...

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All or Nothing: Part One

All or Nothing is a theme I have been discussing with several of my friends over the past couple of months.  I decided to write about it here.

For those of us who struggle with body image, weight management or trying to exercise, it seems to be a thought process we all have in common.

If I have to lose weight, I have to do it all or why bother.

This is NOT me!!!  But, if I think, "I have to look like that, or why bother?", I only set myself up for failure.

If I am trying to lose weight and I blow my diet, I might as well throw the towel in, because "I just can't do it."

#AllTheCarbs

If I join a gym and am faithful to workout two - three times per week, but then I have a tough week and just can't get there, "What's the point?"

It seems like those of us who struggle with our weight fall into this thought pattern and I want to try to address it here.

So, today's post is about this particular mindset.

I was overweight for most of my adult life. I did the yo-yo diet thing, repeatedly lost 20 - 30 lbs., only to put it back on again.  And again.  And again.  As I got older, my metabolism slowed down and the weight became harder to shed and the things I used to do for the "quick loss" didn't work anymore.  If I had a bad day, I would just go to town because I'd already blown it.  The problem was that getting back on the right path became increasingly more difficult every time I blew it and the mindset changed to, "I just can't do this. Why bother?  I'm a failure."

If this rings true to you, I want you to practice a few positive mindset tricks that have helped me.

1.  Focus on today ONLY.  Don't worry about tomorrow, just today.  Try to get through today and make it the best day you can.  If things go well, CELEBRATE!  If you have more of roller coaster day, don't let the downs derail you.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

The "all or nothing" mentality has been something I have seriously struggled with since I hurt my back this winter.   While I've managed to keep my weight technically in check, I lost a lot of muscle mass and my strength has diminished drastically.  What I forget is how far I have come.  This side by side picture shows a HUGE transformation from where I started three years ago to where I am today.  And even though I am not where I was a year ago, learning that it doesn't have to be ALL or NOTHING keeps me in check and makes me humble.

2.  Create a mantra.  Your mantra is the positive expression or saying or word you say to yourself to help you.  Maybe it motivates you.  Maybe it helps you to keep your focus.  Maybe it just makes you smile.

When I was losing weight, my mantra was:
You are not a quitter, you can do this.

Now that I pretty much have that part down, I have a new mantra:
You are enough.  You are beautiful.  You are loved.

Maybe that sounds super self-indulgent of me.  But when you struggle with body image issues, it is important to hold onto these basic truths to keep yourself real.

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

3.  It's all about baby steps.  Every step you take in the right direction is a win.  BELIEVE this!

Have you ever seen a baby learning to walk?

They use a walker, or maybe they furniture surf.  Their parents hold their hands to support them.  They fall down.  A LOT.  But eventually they walk - unsupported.

Do you remember learning to ride a bike?  

You didn't just get on the bike and were off.  Maybe you had training wheels. Maybe someone held the back of your bike while you tried to pedal down the street.  Maybe you fell a dozen or so times.  But you learned how to ride it.

Or learning how to swim?  

When you first started swimming, you probably had an adult with you to hold you up, to make sure you didn't sink.  Maybe you used swimmies or a kickboard.  Maybe you had lessons.  They didn't just throw you in the deep end of the pool and expect you to be Michael Phelps.  You struggled, but eventually you learned how to float, how to kick, how to move forward.  Maybe you even learned all the strokes.

Well, with losing weight or developing a healthy lifestyle, you can't expect yourself to just get it all right at the first try.  This kind of thinking will ultimately end in defeat.  It does not have to be ALL or NOTHING.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Stay tuned for more on this topic...

Part Two is here.

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
If you have a bad day, how do you get back on track?
Did you do anything fun this weekend?

Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪

I've been running more often lately and have added several new songs to my playlist.  I realize I need some even beat mellow tunes to set the pace so I don't put everything I have out there on my first mile or two, so I switched things up a little.  The audio version of this song has a great beat and is awesome for running or working out...

It Ain't Me by Selena Gomez (feat. Kygo)

Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?

It ain't me.  It ain't me.

On a side note, sorry I haven't written anything in a month.  If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know I've been posting updates there, but life and a lack of inspiration has made writing a challenge.

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