BE the light

What a week+ it's been since I last wrote.   The rundown...

This morning, my dear Uncle Russell passed away after a brave fight with colon cancer.  He was diagnosed in November, so it feels like it came out of no where.  We are very sad as we mourn his passing.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

With the loss of my uncle, my heart is very heavy and none of what I have to share seems worth even mentioning.  Yet I committed to keeping up the blog on my journey, so let me fill you in on the whirlwind since the last time I shared with you.

Happy New Year meant back to work and immediate high level stress.   So much so that the things I typically do to help work through it simply weren't working.

I turned 50 in September, so last week I had my initial colonoscopy screening.   Less than fun. (All clear though.)

This is what I stocked up on for my pre-colonoscopy diet.  Ended up just drinking water and sipping broth and apple juice, but...stay tuned.

My husband retired after 32 years on the Springfield Police Department.   I love him so!

Got a haircut with a slightly new and shorter style.

Finally celebrated my son's birthday with him.  He moved to the eastern part of the state last March, so we don't get to see him as often.  It was a month late, but we got to see him and I got to love on him.

I don't have a picture from this 25th Birthday celebration, but here's one from four years ago.

I developed a stomach virus that kept me home from work for two days.

AND I had to have a root canal for an infected tooth that was causing me a lot of pain.  On the SAME day as I was fighting the stomach bug.  The SAME day.

Let's just say that I haven't been up to writing.  Yet, despite the many detours that have been sent my way, I still remain focused on renewing my commitment to wellness - physical, emotional, spiritual.  Sometimes that means accepting the grace that comes when you can't measure up to your expectations and demands that you place on yourself.   When you can't do more, Keeping it simple IS more.

I've been so sick that I haven't been able to eat solid foods at all.  And getting to the gym is on the back burner until I feel strong enough to just walk..  Thank God for my colonoscopy stash (pictured above), because I've been living on the Powerade, jellos, soup and smoothies.   To get in calories, I've even been eating ice cream.  As of yesterday, I'd lost 8 lbs. SINCE my colonoscopy.  Not sure how that will hold up once I start actually eating again.  Right now, I'm depleted and dehydrated, so my even my muscles are suffering. 

I'll get back to it soon!

I recently discovered the Abide app.   Abide is a Christian medition app that leads you through different meditations.  I don't pay for the subscription to the app because they aren't exactly what I need from meditation.  That said, I do receive a daily meditation that I can listen to online.  It's a 2-3 minute reflection and prayer to start my day off.   This has kept me going through the ups and downs of the past week.

As I finish this week's blog, be reminded that sometimes life just hits you.  Through it all, keep your focus on what is important.  Family.  Love.  Health.   I saw this today on Facebook and I had to share it.   I don't want to live in a world where love is invisible.  I want to BE the change, BE the light.

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:16

Fullness by Elevation Worship

Pour it out, let Your love run over

Here and now, let Your glory fill this house.

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Are you kidding me?

One thing I always wished I could do, but never was able to do is push-ups.

I tried and tried.  I struggled.  What looks so easy, for me was super hard.  I made being able to do them a goal.  As my strength improved, I wrote about the progress I saw in doing them:  Five and Ten.  It was exciting to see real progress.  Eventually they became so easy that I stopped doing them, except as part of a HIIT routine.  When I hurt my shoulder, I was under strict orders to not do them until after my shoulder healed.

Since that time, being able to do push-ups well and "easily" has plagued me.  So after my back injury last February, I made it a goal to improve upon them again.  But it has been difficult.  In May of last year, I was able to do three sets of 15 push-ups.  So hard!  I mean super hard.  It wasn't so much doing them as the weakness in my shoulder.  Not for nothing, when things are hard, you tend to shy away from doing them.  Why do I want to do this if it's this hard?

When I started training with Pat, he had me doing three sets of 15-20 push-ups.  I was like, "I'm not going to be able to do that.  I can barely do 10 push-ups and you want me to do 15?"  He said, "If you can do a Dumb-Bell bench press with 25 lbs., you can do 15 push-ups."

So for three weeks, I did three sets of 15 push-ups (never 20).  And it was NOT easy.  One week I couldn't even do one single push-up.  Not one.  "It's a mental block," Pat responded.

I hated doing them.  Unlike three years ago when doing push-ups motivated me, this time around, I was not enthused.

Then the next three weeks, he changed it up and had me doing four sets of 12-15 reps.  I always tried for the 15, but four sets was a lot.

This week, he changed it up again.  When I looked at the plan for this week, it changed from 4 sets of 12-15 to FIVE sets of 20 push-ups.  That's 100 push-ups.  Are you KIDDING ME???

So when I saw him this week, I said, "What in the world are you thinking?"

He said, "You can do it."  Confident as can be, like it's no problem.

I was like, "I can't do that!  There's just no way."

He said, "Yes you can.  Easy."

I said, "Well, I can't do five sets of 20 push-ups all together like that.  It's just not going to happen.  I mean, maybe I can do them if I work them throughout the entire workout.  One set after each group of exercises, but not all at once."

His response, "I don't care how you do them, just get them done."

Get them done?  Doesn't he know I have a shoulder injury?  Doesn't he know these are super hard for me?  What does he mean, "Just get them done."

"Ok, boss."

And so Friday night was the moment of truth.  100 push-ups.  Five sets of twenty.

We get to the gym, I figure, let's get the first set done now and just see, while I'm feeling strong, how I do.  Is 20 even on the table?  (Great way to think positive, isn't it?)

And I do it.  20 push-ups.  No problem.

I decided to do 20 at a time, throughout my workout, allowing my shoulder/ body to recover before attempting the next set.  And it worked!  Twice I had to take a 10 second break in between to finish the 20 reps, but I did all 100!

Here is my last set:

So, what's the point of this whole post?  Overcoming the way you think and feel about food, about exercise, about yourself:  your self-image, your abilities, your potential... This is so key to your success.  Over four years into this journey and I still struggle.  I have doubts.  While they may be based on reality (I do have tendinitis in my shoulder, there is weakness there, I do continue to have pain), the fact is I can do more than I believe I can do.

When you get to the point when you feel like, "What am I doing?" or "I can't do this" or you feel like just giving up, stick with it.  You have SO much more potential than you can even begin to believe.

I did 100 push-ups.  Not five or ten like I did three years ago.  One-Hundred.   I didn't think I could.  I thought Pat was crazy.  I was even miffed with him a little.  It wasn't clean, it wasn't perfect, but I did it!  

- - - - - - - - - -

"Why Have a Trainer?" is a topic I discussed in January.  Having someone push you beyond your own self-expectations, to basically say, "It's no big deal, you can do it."  THIS is why I have a trainer.  I struggled with one health issue after another over the past 18+ months and tried to figure out how to get back on the path by myself.  Every set-back and every self-doubt left me feeling badly about myself and where I was going.  Not really knowing what to do to get things back on track left me frustrated, which is WHY I sought out Pat.  He is really awesome.  

If you are thinking about having a trainer, you definitely want to check him out.  The rates are affordable and he is amazing.  If you live in the area, you can train one-on-one with him.  If not, he does online coaching as well.  Check out his website for the details:  Patriotbody.com.  I cannot say enough about him.  Training with Pat means you will see growth, you will make change, you will accomplish your goals.  Either way, check out his website.  There is contact information for him there.

There's a saying out there, "Put on some gangster rap and get over it."  Here's the newest song on my playlist:

Not Afraid by Eminem

And I just can't keep living this way.  So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage.  I'm standing up, I'mma face my demons.  I'm manning up, I'mma hold my ground.  I've had enough, now I'm so fed up.  Time to put my life back together right now!

Question for you:  (Answer in the comment section below.)
What holds you back?

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Email:  tracoleman99@gmail.com

My new mantra:  Be the Champion of Today!

Have a great weekend!  Go get 'em!

Dark

"What's different about this year," my doctor asked.

I've had a persistent head ache since I went back to work in August.  When I had my annual physical Tuesday, I told him I've been taking 800 mg. of ibuprofen just about every day, sometimes twice a day, alternating with Excedrin some days.  I wake up with a head ache some nights at 2 a.m., feeling like my head weighs 1,000 lbs.  My sleep interrupted.  Exhaustion sets in early in the day.  I come home and crash.  I have no energy.  I've been largely dysfunctional.

It's been a real struggle.

What's different?

A longer school day.  

The imminent threat of my job being outsourced and / or replaced by people who are not trained or qualified because they are cheaper.

My person at work has a different job and I hardly ever see her.

My other person at work left to a different school.

My school has a new design and leadership form, with a very uncertain direction, thus the longer school day and threat of losing my job.

Two weeks ago, one of the riders on my group ride went into cardiac arrest.  I felt completely, 100% helpless.  He died this past Wednesday.

This is my group on our last ride of the season.  Gerry (left) and I came back early because he wasn't feeling well.
If only... there are 100 "what ifs" replaying in my mind.

To sum it up.  I work hard all day.  I put in 100%, struggling through the last two to three hours of the day.  I come home and crash.  Get up, and struggle through the rest of the night.  Wake up in the middle of the night with a horrible head ache.  Repeat.

"How have you handled the stress in the past?"

I used to come home and ride my bike, but this year I'm. Just. So. Tired.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey. And no more ibuprofen or Excedrin until I tell you you can take it again."

It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8

I woke up early this morning to bring my son and his girlfriend to the airport.  He and their friends are going to Disney World for a week.  I'm so happy for them.  And a little jealous too.  I want to go see Mickey.  Dropping them off at the airport left me with a new sense of "let's do this."

In my happy place!

If you read my blog at all, you know I'm all about goals. So I am setting super small, practical ones for myself.

1)  Go to the gym today and two other days this week.

2)  10,000 steps per day this week.  (I LOVE my Fitbit.)

3)  One bike ride this week, even if it's short.

I can't look past this week because all I see is dark.  It has consumed me.  Head ache.  Pain.  An overwhelming feeling of bleh.  That pretty much sums it up.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey."

It's all I can do to crawl out of bed right now, so every step forward is literally a victory.  

I saw this picture of me last summer and I was like a kick in the gut.  

Mitch, Jenna, Me & Joey
I was so lean.  And happy.

No looking back.  Keep your focus ahead.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey."

Baby steps.  Make each one a victory.  Cherish the ones you love.  Celebrate life.  Every day.  Close your eyes, be thankful.

The sun will come out again.

From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised! 
Psalm 113:3

Burn by Ellie Goulding

When the light started out, they don't know what they heard.  Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world.  We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky.  'Cause we got the fire...

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comment section below.)
In 2015, I started 100 days of gratitude.  On this day, I was grateful for coffee.  Doctor's orders, I have to cut back on caffeine, but I still love my coffee.  What are you grateful for today?

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