BE the light

What a week+ it's been since I last wrote.   The rundown...

This morning, my dear Uncle Russell passed away after a brave fight with colon cancer.  He was diagnosed in November, so it feels like it came out of no where.  We are very sad as we mourn his passing.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

With the loss of my uncle, my heart is very heavy and none of what I have to share seems worth even mentioning.  Yet I committed to keeping up the blog on my journey, so let me fill you in on the whirlwind since the last time I shared with you.

Happy New Year meant back to work and immediate high level stress.   So much so that the things I typically do to help work through it simply weren't working.

I turned 50 in September, so last week I had my initial colonoscopy screening.   Less than fun. (All clear though.)

This is what I stocked up on for my pre-colonoscopy diet.  Ended up just drinking water and sipping broth and apple juice, but...stay tuned.

My husband retired after 32 years on the Springfield Police Department.   I love him so!

Got a haircut with a slightly new and shorter style.

Finally celebrated my son's birthday with him.  He moved to the eastern part of the state last March, so we don't get to see him as often.  It was a month late, but we got to see him and I got to love on him.

I don't have a picture from this 25th Birthday celebration, but here's one from four years ago.

I developed a stomach virus that kept me home from work for two days.

AND I had to have a root canal for an infected tooth that was causing me a lot of pain.  On the SAME day as I was fighting the stomach bug.  The SAME day.

Let's just say that I haven't been up to writing.  Yet, despite the many detours that have been sent my way, I still remain focused on renewing my commitment to wellness - physical, emotional, spiritual.  Sometimes that means accepting the grace that comes when you can't measure up to your expectations and demands that you place on yourself.   When you can't do more, Keeping it simple IS more.

I've been so sick that I haven't been able to eat solid foods at all.  And getting to the gym is on the back burner until I feel strong enough to just walk..  Thank God for my colonoscopy stash (pictured above), because I've been living on the Powerade, jellos, soup and smoothies.   To get in calories, I've even been eating ice cream.  As of yesterday, I'd lost 8 lbs. SINCE my colonoscopy.  Not sure how that will hold up once I start actually eating again.  Right now, I'm depleted and dehydrated, so my even my muscles are suffering. 

I'll get back to it soon!

I recently discovered the Abide app.   Abide is a Christian medition app that leads you through different meditations.  I don't pay for the subscription to the app because they aren't exactly what I need from meditation.  That said, I do receive a daily meditation that I can listen to online.  It's a 2-3 minute reflection and prayer to start my day off.   This has kept me going through the ups and downs of the past week.

As I finish this week's blog, be reminded that sometimes life just hits you.  Through it all, keep your focus on what is important.  Family.  Love.  Health.   I saw this today on Facebook and I had to share it.   I don't want to live in a world where love is invisible.  I want to BE the change, BE the light.

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:16

Fullness by Elevation Worship

Pour it out, let Your love run over

Here and now, let Your glory fill this house.

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Dark

"What's different about this year," my doctor asked.

I've had a persistent head ache since I went back to work in August.  When I had my annual physical Tuesday, I told him I've been taking 800 mg. of ibuprofen just about every day, sometimes twice a day, alternating with Excedrin some days.  I wake up with a head ache some nights at 2 a.m., feeling like my head weighs 1,000 lbs.  My sleep interrupted.  Exhaustion sets in early in the day.  I come home and crash.  I have no energy.  I've been largely dysfunctional.

It's been a real struggle.

What's different?

A longer school day.  

The imminent threat of my job being outsourced and / or replaced by people who are not trained or qualified because they are cheaper.

My person at work has a different job and I hardly ever see her.

My other person at work left to a different school.

My school has a new design and leadership form, with a very uncertain direction, thus the longer school day and threat of losing my job.

Two weeks ago, one of the riders on my group ride went into cardiac arrest.  I felt completely, 100% helpless.  He died this past Wednesday.

This is my group on our last ride of the season.  Gerry (left) and I came back early because he wasn't feeling well.
If only... there are 100 "what ifs" replaying in my mind.

To sum it up.  I work hard all day.  I put in 100%, struggling through the last two to three hours of the day.  I come home and crash.  Get up, and struggle through the rest of the night.  Wake up in the middle of the night with a horrible head ache.  Repeat.

"How have you handled the stress in the past?"

I used to come home and ride my bike, but this year I'm. Just. So. Tired.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey. And no more ibuprofen or Excedrin until I tell you you can take it again."

It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8

I woke up early this morning to bring my son and his girlfriend to the airport.  He and their friends are going to Disney World for a week.  I'm so happy for them.  And a little jealous too.  I want to go see Mickey.  Dropping them off at the airport left me with a new sense of "let's do this."

In my happy place!

If you read my blog at all, you know I'm all about goals. So I am setting super small, practical ones for myself.

1)  Go to the gym today and two other days this week.

2)  10,000 steps per day this week.  (I LOVE my Fitbit.)

3)  One bike ride this week, even if it's short.

I can't look past this week because all I see is dark.  It has consumed me.  Head ache.  Pain.  An overwhelming feeling of bleh.  That pretty much sums it up.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey."

It's all I can do to crawl out of bed right now, so every step forward is literally a victory.  

I saw this picture of me last summer and I was like a kick in the gut.  

Mitch, Jenna, Me & Joey
I was so lean.  And happy.

No looking back.  Keep your focus ahead.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey."

Baby steps.  Make each one a victory.  Cherish the ones you love.  Celebrate life.  Every day.  Close your eyes, be thankful.

The sun will come out again.

From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised! 
Psalm 113:3

Burn by Ellie Goulding

When the light started out, they don't know what they heard.  Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world.  We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky.  'Cause we got the fire...

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comment section below.)
In 2015, I started 100 days of gratitude.  On this day, I was grateful for coffee.  Doctor's orders, I have to cut back on caffeine, but I still love my coffee.  What are you grateful for today?

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With Us

Can I hear a big sigh of relief from every Mom out there who celebrates Christmas?  This is the craziest time of year for anyone who has a child under the age of "I still believe."  (Whatever age that might be for your kid/s.)  Even after your kids "get it," the fact remains that there are still gifts to buy, wrap and put under the tree ... Preparations.  Parties.  Baking.  Cooking.  Shopping.  Work.  Don't even want to look at the credit card bills.  Sigh.

Our Christmas tree.  It's a little lopsided at the top, but I think it's super pretty this year.

This song seriously wraps up how I feel in a little more than three minutes:

Just Breathe by Johnny Diaz

Third cup of joe just to get me through the day.

I want to make the most of time, but I feel it slip away...

♬ ♪ ♩ ♫

My son's birthday is December 13, which added a whole new level of crazy to the month.  Even though my kids are still home, they are grown / growing up.  We don't have to attend 15 different Christmas parties anymore.  And...I don't have to go with them everywhere.  It's a huge sigh of relief. 

Love the lipstick...and the Snapchat filters.
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I used to say that December 26 was my favorite day of the year because FINALLY it was all over.  I seriously hated the stress.  How I kept it together, I don't know.  I do know what I do now and it has made all the difference for me in making the Christmas season truly joyful.

This is me today, as I write this blog.  No makeup.  Messy hair.  Listening to Youtube while my son has his friends over.
How Can It Be by Lauren Daigle is currently playing.  I so enjoy this time after Christmas to find myself again.

Christmas music all day every day.  Yes, from Thanksgiving until Christmas, it's nothing but Carols all day.  Our local radio station plays nothing but Christmas music during that time, so I'm tuned in all the time.  At work, I play a variety of Christmas tunes on YouTube.  I'm a little slow to the uptake, but I found that YouTube has a mix of different songs that are comparable to what you chose and it plays pretty much all day.  Go ahead and give it a try.  Search for your favorite song on YouTube and on the right side bar, there are other suggestions.  Towards the top, it says, "50 videos +" and "Mix -" with the name of your song.  Click on that and you can listen all day.

It's been so relaxing for me while I've been working.  I heard this song last week:

Light of the World by Lauren Daigle

The world waits for a miracle

The heart longs for a little bit of hope

O come O come Emmanuel

O Come O Come Emmanuel is probably my absolute favorite Christmas song.  I love the depth of it, the broad spectrum of the notes.  It touches me more than any other song.  So when I heard this one, with the "O come O come Emmanuel" as the refrain and "Glory to the light of the world."  I was moved.

Why do we even sing, "Emmanuel"?  What's the big deal?  In the Bible, Isaiah prophesied:

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign:  

The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

Isaiah 7:14

In the New Testament, Matthew repeats this prophesy and explains that Immanuel means, "God with us."  (Matthew 1:23)

God with us.  

Jesus was born to be God in flesh, to be with us and live here with us.

But that was over 2,000 years ago.  Jesus died.  Really?  God with us?  

Yes.  He is with us.  Even today.  In the hecticness of life.  In our pain.  In our joy.  In our sorrow.  He is with us.  God is with us.

O come, O come, Emmanuel.  

We sing this familiar Christmas carol, calling, "Come, be with us."  He is not just with us at Christmas.   He never wants us to live a rat race life, let alone spin ourselves into such a craze to celebrate His birth.  I guarantee that.  In fact, with all the secularism of Christmas, the exorbitant shopping and lack of peace we experience during this holiday season, one might say we actually remove ourselves from Him for the sake of celebrating His coming, His birth, His return.  

As you wind down into the New Year, think about this.  God is with us.  He is with you.  Sometimes it's hard to feel it.  To know He is here, by our side.  But in the stillness and quiet, he is as close as you allow him to be.  Close your eyes.  Listen.  

God with us.

Questions for you...(Answer in the comment section below.)
If you celebrate it, do you love Christmas?  What's the best part?   Are you still listening to Christmas carols like me?

Are you up to speed on my series on wellness?  Check it out!

Radio Silence

The Empty Fridge Syndrome

Put a Little Love in Your Step

On Friendship

Breakfast 101

Not a Runner

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How long does it take to heal a broken heart?

I've been dealing with internet issues at home lately, so I haven't been able to update my blog.  I am working on posting a new blog entry about body image, but with all the connection problems, it has not been posted yet.  Even as I try to post this, the internet keeps going in and out.  Time to call Comcast.

That said, there have been a lot of things going on and I haven't even been able to update.  I want to start with where I am personally.  I've been going through a tough time for the past several months.  I haven't posted any specifics because it's deeply painful.

Here Without You by 3 Doors Down

Without giving too many details, I can tell you that in June I lost a close friend.  We spoke on Monday and I never heard from her again.  She stopped talking to me completely.  There was no argument or disagreement that I knew about.  I tried to make things right with her, but she never responded.  In July, I got a text message from her saying she was going through some stuff and wanted to catch up, but that was it.  I never talked to her.  We never caught up.  

I can't begin to tell you how badly it hurts.  I never had an easy time making friends.   I don't care how this sounds, but I can honestly say my husband is truly my best friend.

I have friends, don't get me wrong.  But it doesn't come easy for me.  For one reason or another, I have a hard time trusting people.  So, the loss of this friend hit me to the core.  It's been more than four months.  Some days are easier than others.  But the pain is there.  It's  like a constant ache in my chest.  Sometimes I can breathe a little easier than others. Time helps with that, I guess.

When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne

It has affected my fitness journey because I am fighting to care.  Yesterday was a gorgeous day.  All day at work, I said, "I'm going for a bike ride when I get home."  Instead, when I got home, I went to bed.  Slept for two hours.  I proceeded to spend the rest of the night, laying on the couch, watching TV until I went to bed.  Sadness rolling over me like the ocean surges from Hurricane Matthew.  Hurricane Matthew

It doesn't help that my shoulder is still hurting.  I re-injured it, doing cable flys a few weeks ago. 

Image from Women's Health and Fitness

It hasn't been right ever since.  Right now, it is throbbing.  I want to go to the gym and work out, but I'm concerned about my shoulder, so I'm hesitant.  This morning's mission:  CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

Where'd You Go by Fort Minor (feat. Holly Brook and Jonah Matranga

I decided to share this much today because my blog helps to keep me accountable.  How can I write about fitness, nutrition and motivation if I allow myself to be overcome by this?  It is a struggle. 

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

The silence hurts more than if we had a fight and parted ways.  The friend I used to talk to about things that were going on...from nonsense nothingness to the comings and goings of our day to our insecurities about life and the future...is gone.  And I don't know why.

My pastor asked on the church's Facebook page "Have you ever felt forgotten by God in your pain?" and "What do you do to keep connected to God and others in your pain?"

I sent him my response and shared it during a Sunday morning service.  You can listen to it here, if you really want to:  Evangel Assembly, go to August 21, "When Life Hurts" at 8:02

 and 25:37.

This morning, as I pick myself up from a day of depression and feeling broken-hearted, I must fight the urge to quit.  I need to turn to God and ask Him to help me work through this. The super sad love songs I included here, I really want to replay them over and over. They describe the pain I'm feeling so well.  Instead, I need to listen to happy music that motivates me and Christian songs that uplift me.  I can't dwell on what's wrong and let the waves of depression overcome me.  

When you go through tough times, when you lose a friend or loved one, when your problems seem insurmountable, you really have to reach deep and find your inner strength to keep going.  Giving up cannot be an answer.  It is okay to have a bad day, to feel deeply.  In fact, I think that's what makes us uniquely human.  What is not okay is to let one bad day turn into a pattern.

So my mission today is to get on it!  Even if it means I have to fake it a little...

Happy by Pharrell Williams

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth!!

If these connectivity issues persist, it will be a couple days before I post again, but I do have more to share!

Tough Enough to NOT QUIT!

Happy Day by Tim Hughes

Oh,happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same!  Forever I am changed!

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
What do you do to cheer yourself up when you are down?
What HAPPY thing are you doing today?


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Where have I been?

This past month has been a whirlwind.

My "diet" went completely out the window.

My bike was in the shop and the puppy ate my helmet, so I took an unexpected 3 week break from riding.  Almost gave up completely on doing this years' Ride To Remember.  I just didn't see the point. Why bother? You can't do this ride if you aren't training for it.

Ride to Remember, 2015

I finally finished the master schedule at work, which was excruciating and mentally consuming. I never want to do it again. I become everyone's worst enemy because they don't like the schedule, they don't like how it came out, there is this, that or the other problem. I have seriously had it.  School starts tomorrow, can you tell I am frustrated??

During our Faculty Meeting on Thursday, the other counselors and I were sitting on the floor in the auditorium working on our students' schedules.  I am sooo over it!

I had exactly two days off this summer. Two.

If you count the 4th of July, I had three days off.
During my long weekend "vacation", we went up to Little Allum Pond and spent the afternoon relaxing on the water with some friends.

Not being a quitter, I started training for the Ride to Remember three weeks ago, and resolved to stick to my 3 x week goal.  So far, so good. I feel STRONG and am enjoying riding more than I remember. In fact, I love it.  (I loved it before, but sometimes you forget how much.)

Rode for almost 70 miles last Saturday with over 4K of climbing.  Had an amazing time!  This is me at the top of Mt. Skinner.

Removing all dietary restrictions (not that I really had any, but...) and eating whatever I want  (when I'm hungry) has given me a lot more energy to ride this year. I feel like my "care free" food attitude has made a big difference in my energy level.

Did the Southwick Rail Trail a couple weeks ago.

Why haven't I been keeping up the blog?

I hinted to you that I've been going through something personal this year and it has really taken a toll on me emotionally.  I haven't been going to the gym as much as I am used to either because I'm in such a rut that I can only focus on one thing at a time. Right now, it's riding.

Sooooo hot!!!  First ride out withe my new gears and new helmet.  Talk about sweat!!!

Sleep was escaping me, and often still does. But the sheer exhaustion from riding my bike 100-125 miles per week has made sleep much easier.

I am largely in survival mode right now, makes it very difficult to write motivational blog entries.  Practicing what I preach during tough times is an internal struggle.  I can't give up. I know that.

Here are some truths I need to remind myself of daily....

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!
1 Chronicles 16:11

The Ride to Remember 2015 is in a little less than three weeks.  I am actually looking forward to it!  In a few minutes, I'm going out for a ride.  Maybe I will be able to shake off some of the stress from getting ready for school to start tomorrow!

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58

To close, here's a message I got this morning from my dear friend Amy:

"God knows and wants us to lean into him...be very vulnerable...but it's the safest place to be."

Advice to live by...

Question for you...Answer in the comment section below.

Are you excited about "Back to School?"
What fun / exciting things did you do this summer?

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Suicide Squirrels

June is the busiest time of year for me. Between graduations, grades closing, summer school and scheduling classes for the following school year, it is crazy.  Not only do I work longer hours than normal, I often have several evening and weekend engagements.

Photo by Springfield Public Schools.
Both me and my friend Erica were this student's counselors at one point in his years at Commerce.

The pressure is outrageous at this time of year. It's hard to describe unless you've been there.  There are times when I feel like I everything is going to implode.

To make matters worse, I hurt my shoulder about a month ago. I don't know how I did it. It was bothering me and hasn't improved at all. The pain wakes me up at night, which has made sleep difficult.  I saw the doctor yesterday.  I have a prescription for 800 mg of ibuprofen and physical therapy.  No weight lifting indefinitely.  I could cry.  10 Effective Physical Therapy Exercises to Treat Shoulder Pain.

...   ...   ...  ...   ...  ...   ...

The other night, after a particularly stressful day, I went for a bike ride. I wanted to get in some decent miles.  Instead of focusing on climbing (hills have to be part of my training regimen ... and I don't even mind them), I wanted speed.  I set out with no particular route in mind, just to move my body.

The day's troubles weighed heavily on me.  There was a significant amount of drama this week at work.  I can typically handle the students' drama.  I had a busy day planned, which was interrupted by a few unexpected hurdles.  One case in particular really upset me...  

When I left the house, it was about 5:30 p.m., so it was rush hour and the traffic was crazy.  "Find some quieter roads, Coleman."  I made my way to the back side of Forest Park, Springfield's largest park, and road along the edges, out of the way of cars.  I was about 10 miles into my ride and my legs felt good.

Work...what makes all the madness worse is when the adults in the building go after each other, or refuse to help each other.  The WORSE thing someone can say to or around me is, "No, that's not my job" OR "No, I don't want to do that." 

As I headed towards Enfield, I started to think about the time and considered which route I should use to head back home.  I do not like to ride my bike too close to sunset.  It's hard enough for drivers to see me with plenty of sunlight, but dusk is far worse than even riding after dark.  My focus was speed, not hills, so I mentally plotted a route home.  I was beginning to feel the stress peel off my shoulders.

 Sometimes it's just blowing off steam with each other.  Other times it's personal.  Lately I have been feeling like there are daggers in my back as soon as I leave the room.  Not with everyone, just some.  If you have something to say, say it.  Don't talk about me or my colleagues behind our backs.  I'll take the venting any day.

About 2/3 of the way through my ride, a squirrel came darting out of the grass and ran right into my tires. I could see it out of the corner of my eye.  There was nothing I could do. The darn thing just offed itself.  I hate to admit it, but it didn't even bother me...

Last week a squirrel darted out into the driveway at school and one of the counselors I work with ran over it.  She was devastated.  I couldn't help but think about the difference in our responses.  I chuckled to myself.  Stupid squirrel.

A few miles from my house, I got a cramp in my back and had to stop.  Every time this happens, I think to myself, "Will I be able to make it home?"  After my fall last summer, I seriously contemplated calling my husband to come pick me up.  I rested for a couple minutes, stretched as best I could.  Got back on my bike.

Stupid stupid squirrel.  Why did the darn thing run out into my bike?  My shoulder is holding up pretty well, no pain.  The week's stress feels less troublesome.

Construction.  They have finally decided to repave these roads that were all torn up the past year+.  

Finally.  But, ouch, that bump hurt.  

I was almost home.  

You did good.  This was a good ride.  But the squirrel...

This was a different blog entry for me.  I wanted to show how exercise helps deal with stress, while simultaneously helping you achieve your fitness goals.  I have not been riding my bike as much this spring.  I have had a lot going on, so I've chosen to keep the bike on the rack, to focus on getting everything else done.  Honestly, this hasn't resulted in me accomplishing anything.  This week I realized how much I need to ride my bike.  It's my therapy.

Last night the Women's Ministry at my church sponsored a "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" night.  We ate snacks and goodies, sang Karaoke, played games, did some Zumba and danced the night away.  I had an amazing time.  I told a couple of the ladies how difficult June is for me.  It's just a very stressful month.  It's like this every year.  I told them about my bike ride the night before and they responded with, "35 miles?  I can't do that!"  I couldn't do it a little more than a year ago either.  I started riding my bike to train for the Ride to Remember and ended up loving it.  I still love it.  I will do the Ride again this year, but there is none of the stress associated with last year's training.  So this year's focus is on improving my riding overall.

It's amazing how much something you ENJOY can help you deal with your troubles.  Don't neglect what matters.

When I got home, I sat down to relax.  Leia immediately sat next to me and put her chin on my leg.  As crazy as she is, she makes my day every day.

Questions for you...
How do you deal with stress?  Have you ever run over a squirrel?  Did you feel bad?

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