Dark

"What's different about this year," my doctor asked.

I've had a persistent head ache since I went back to work in August.  When I had my annual physical Tuesday, I told him I've been taking 800 mg. of ibuprofen just about every day, sometimes twice a day, alternating with Excedrin some days.  I wake up with a head ache some nights at 2 a.m., feeling like my head weighs 1,000 lbs.  My sleep interrupted.  Exhaustion sets in early in the day.  I come home and crash.  I have no energy.  I've been largely dysfunctional.

It's been a real struggle.

What's different?

A longer school day.  

The imminent threat of my job being outsourced and / or replaced by people who are not trained or qualified because they are cheaper.

My person at work has a different job and I hardly ever see her.

My other person at work left to a different school.

My school has a new design and leadership form, with a very uncertain direction, thus the longer school day and threat of losing my job.

Two weeks ago, one of the riders on my group ride went into cardiac arrest.  I felt completely, 100% helpless.  He died this past Wednesday.

This is my group on our last ride of the season.  Gerry (left) and I came back early because he wasn't feeling well.
If only... there are 100 "what ifs" replaying in my mind.

To sum it up.  I work hard all day.  I put in 100%, struggling through the last two to three hours of the day.  I come home and crash.  Get up, and struggle through the rest of the night.  Wake up in the middle of the night with a horrible head ache.  Repeat.

"How have you handled the stress in the past?"

I used to come home and ride my bike, but this year I'm. Just. So. Tired.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey. And no more ibuprofen or Excedrin until I tell you you can take it again."

It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8

I woke up early this morning to bring my son and his girlfriend to the airport.  He and their friends are going to Disney World for a week.  I'm so happy for them.  And a little jealous too.  I want to go see Mickey.  Dropping them off at the airport left me with a new sense of "let's do this."

In my happy place!

If you read my blog at all, you know I'm all about goals. So I am setting super small, practical ones for myself.

1)  Go to the gym today and two other days this week.

2)  10,000 steps per day this week.  (I LOVE my Fitbit.)

3)  One bike ride this week, even if it's short.

I can't look past this week because all I see is dark.  It has consumed me.  Head ache.  Pain.  An overwhelming feeling of bleh.  That pretty much sums it up.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey."

It's all I can do to crawl out of bed right now, so every step forward is literally a victory.  

I saw this picture of me last summer and I was like a kick in the gut.  

Mitch, Jenna, Me & Joey
I was so lean.  And happy.

No looking back.  Keep your focus ahead.

"You need to figure this out, Tracey."

Baby steps.  Make each one a victory.  Cherish the ones you love.  Celebrate life.  Every day.  Close your eyes, be thankful.

The sun will come out again.

From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised! 
Psalm 113:3

Burn by Ellie Goulding

When the light started out, they don't know what they heard.  Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world.  We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky.  'Cause we got the fire...

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comment section below.)
In 2015, I started 100 days of gratitude.  On this day, I was grateful for coffee.  Doctor's orders, I have to cut back on caffeine, but I still love my coffee.  What are you grateful for today?

Follow me...

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/TraceyGettingFit

Instagram:  @tracoleman99

Email:  tracoleman99@gmail.com

Breakthroughs

Ah ha!

Have you ever had one of those moments?  You know, when you've been struggling with something for a while?  It keeps you up at night?  You worry and fret about it?  And then, one day, you sort of "get it."  Well, that happened to me the other day.

It's strange how your brain works sometimes.

Something happened last year.  I haven't really gotten over it.  I can't really talk about it here because it involves people I care about.  My business is my business, and if I choose to make it public, that's one thing.  But I can't really write about my relationships with other people on my blog.  It's not meant to be a gossip column, or a place for me to vent my grievances.  This blog is about my journey.

So, anyway, the other day... I was working out at the gym and I wanted to talk to the manager about something.  I introduced myself and I said, "Hi, I'm Tracey.  I used to train with one of your trainers.  If you have a minute..."  He said, "Yes, I met you once a long time ago.  I know who you are.  You lost a ton of weight."  We talked for a couple minutes and he said to me, "I'm really impressed with your workouts.  You've done a great job keeping the weight off."

My and my Nanny, 2012

Over the past 14 months, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster.  I've had one physical / health challenge after another.  On top of that, I've faced some personal losses.  My beautiful grandmother died.   I lost a friend.  My heart has ached.  Loss.  I almost let it consume me.

I wrote a lot about this last year:  The Change Factor

I did a great job keeping the weight off.  Someone that doesn't even know me noticed and thinks I'm doing a good job.  

It was then that I realized, "Ah ha!"

There were signs.  They weren't even subtle.  I know them.  I've lived with them.  Short temper.  Being simultaneously present and absent.  Unreliability.  Feeling like you're walking on egg shells.  Silence.  More...  I didn't want to acknowledge it, but everything pointed in that direction.  

Egg Shells

I did see the signs.  And after a while, I knew I had to change the nature of our friendship.  I care deeply about this person, but I also have self respect and I just don't let people walk all over me.  I don't deserve it.  It was never my intention to sever our friendship entirely, I just had to put some boundaries up.  It was a very difficult decision.  Even though it was the RIGHT thing to do, I regretted it.

The Toll It Takes

Worse:  I did not anticipate the consequences.  Things did not quite go the way I thought and our friendship ended completely.  This hurt me deeply.

I'm impressed with your workouts.  You've done a good job keeping the weight off.  

But I finally realized it was MY decision.  I started the ball rolling.  I did it.  And it was the RIGHT thing to do.  I don't think I realized that until my conversation with the guy at the gym.

Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Sometimes we have to do that, we have to do the difficult thing, make a difficult choice, and then we have to live with it, even when it hurts.  Unfortunately, sometimes that happens in life.  Relationships end, even abruptly.  It hurts, it breaks your heart even.  But sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Where I've been

I think, no, I know, I am spoiled.  As an only child, although I had rules, I was more than just loved.  My parents doted on me.  I was probably the luckiest woman alive to have met and married my husband, Brian.  He loves me, he knows me, he gets me.  He tells me I'm beautiful when I feel gross.  He gives me space when I'm cranky and want to be left alone.  He is my number one fan.  I also have some of the best friends on earth.  People whose company I truly enjoy; who are there for me in thick and thin; who tell me the truth, even when it's tough to hear; who love me the way I am.

My heart

So, when I lost this friend, I was hurt.  Even though I took actions which communicated, "I've had enough of the way you're treating me," I was hurt.

Over the past year, through out my physical challenges and personal losses, I've managed to keep my head up, even though I've wanted to bury it in the sand and cry.  Tonight I will say yet another prayer for this friend, but I know I will sleep a little sounder.

I did what I had to do.  It's okay.  I am okay.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:18-19

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
Do you struggle with depression?  Have you ever ended a relationship with someone you care deeply about and not understood what happened?  How did you get through it?

Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪

This spring I started posting my favorite workout tunes.  This is on my Christian playlist.  I don't workout to it, but the lyrics and the music are incredible.  Just listen....

You're Gonna Be OK by Brian and Jenn Johnson

I know it's all you've got to just be strong.  And it's a fight to just keep it together.  I know you think that you are too far gone.  But hope is never lost.  Hope is never lost.  

Hold on, don't let go.  Just take one step closer, on foot in front of the other.  You'll get through this, just follow the light in the darkness.  You're gonna be ok.

Follow me...
Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/TraceyGettingFit

Instagram:  @tracoleman99

Email:  tracoleman99@gmail.com

How long does it take to heal a broken heart?

I've been dealing with internet issues at home lately, so I haven't been able to update my blog.  I am working on posting a new blog entry about body image, but with all the connection problems, it has not been posted yet.  Even as I try to post this, the internet keeps going in and out.  Time to call Comcast.

That said, there have been a lot of things going on and I haven't even been able to update.  I want to start with where I am personally.  I've been going through a tough time for the past several months.  I haven't posted any specifics because it's deeply painful.

Here Without You by 3 Doors Down

Without giving too many details, I can tell you that in June I lost a close friend.  We spoke on Monday and I never heard from her again.  She stopped talking to me completely.  There was no argument or disagreement that I knew about.  I tried to make things right with her, but she never responded.  In July, I got a text message from her saying she was going through some stuff and wanted to catch up, but that was it.  I never talked to her.  We never caught up.  

I can't begin to tell you how badly it hurts.  I never had an easy time making friends.   I don't care how this sounds, but I can honestly say my husband is truly my best friend.

I have friends, don't get me wrong.  But it doesn't come easy for me.  For one reason or another, I have a hard time trusting people.  So, the loss of this friend hit me to the core.  It's been more than four months.  Some days are easier than others.  But the pain is there.  It's  like a constant ache in my chest.  Sometimes I can breathe a little easier than others. Time helps with that, I guess.

When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne

It has affected my fitness journey because I am fighting to care.  Yesterday was a gorgeous day.  All day at work, I said, "I'm going for a bike ride when I get home."  Instead, when I got home, I went to bed.  Slept for two hours.  I proceeded to spend the rest of the night, laying on the couch, watching TV until I went to bed.  Sadness rolling over me like the ocean surges from Hurricane Matthew.  Hurricane Matthew

It doesn't help that my shoulder is still hurting.  I re-injured it, doing cable flys a few weeks ago. 

Image from Women's Health and Fitness

It hasn't been right ever since.  Right now, it is throbbing.  I want to go to the gym and work out, but I'm concerned about my shoulder, so I'm hesitant.  This morning's mission:  CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

Where'd You Go by Fort Minor (feat. Holly Brook and Jonah Matranga

I decided to share this much today because my blog helps to keep me accountable.  How can I write about fitness, nutrition and motivation if I allow myself to be overcome by this?  It is a struggle. 

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

The silence hurts more than if we had a fight and parted ways.  The friend I used to talk to about things that were going on...from nonsense nothingness to the comings and goings of our day to our insecurities about life and the future...is gone.  And I don't know why.

My pastor asked on the church's Facebook page "Have you ever felt forgotten by God in your pain?" and "What do you do to keep connected to God and others in your pain?"

I sent him my response and shared it during a Sunday morning service.  You can listen to it here, if you really want to:  Evangel Assembly, go to August 21, "When Life Hurts" at 8:02

 and 25:37.

This morning, as I pick myself up from a day of depression and feeling broken-hearted, I must fight the urge to quit.  I need to turn to God and ask Him to help me work through this. The super sad love songs I included here, I really want to replay them over and over. They describe the pain I'm feeling so well.  Instead, I need to listen to happy music that motivates me and Christian songs that uplift me.  I can't dwell on what's wrong and let the waves of depression overcome me.  

When you go through tough times, when you lose a friend or loved one, when your problems seem insurmountable, you really have to reach deep and find your inner strength to keep going.  Giving up cannot be an answer.  It is okay to have a bad day, to feel deeply.  In fact, I think that's what makes us uniquely human.  What is not okay is to let one bad day turn into a pattern.

So my mission today is to get on it!  Even if it means I have to fake it a little...

Happy by Pharrell Williams

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth!!

If these connectivity issues persist, it will be a couple days before I post again, but I do have more to share!

Tough Enough to NOT QUIT!

Happy Day by Tim Hughes

Oh,happy day, happy day, I'll never be the same!  Forever I am changed!

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
What do you do to cheer yourself up when you are down?
What HAPPY thing are you doing today?


Subscribe to new posts!  When a new post is added, you will receive an email notice so you can check it out.  I promise:  no SPAM and I won't share your email address with anyone.  Look at the top right side of the page to subscribe.  

Follow me...

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/TraceyGettingFit

Instagram:  @tracoleman99

Snapchat:  tracoleman993

Email:  tracoleman99@gmail.com

Blessings

Blessings come in all shapes, sizes and different kinds of surprises.

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.
John 1:16

Yesterday promised to be particularly difficult. I wasn't feeling well in the morning. (I think my coffee didn't sit right.) Anyway, I worked out at the gym and saw Dmitriy there shortly before I was leaving. We talked for a couple minutes, but I had to leave because I had a wake to attend. One of my former students died the week before Christmas unexpectedly. She was just shy of her 22nd birthday. I was so sad.

Went to the wake. It was as I expected. Extremely sad. There is no logical reason for her death, so trying to rationalize it only proves to frustrate. I left and was so down. I texted Dmitriy, "That was horrible." Turns out he knew her and trained her. What a small world. I wanted to cry.

I was invited to a Christmas party last night. Some friends I met at the gym. Lovely people. Truly. Their daughter is my student and I have a soft spot for her.  I wasn't sure I could go. I wanted to open a bottle of wine, drink the entire thing and cry myself to sleep. (This is particularly NOT smart for me!)  Told Dmitriy that and he was like, "Go. Have fun. Go." Somehow I saw his logic and I went.  I'm really glad I did.

So...the party was amazing. Lots of delicious Puerto Rican foods, plenty of beer and Coqui for everyone, and the most amazing band playing Spanish music. I didn't know any of the songs, so it was an great opportunity for me to sit back and feel the music.

Feel the music

I think the instrument he is playing is called "el guiro."  It's a percussion style instrument.

Even the children were playing one.

 One of the things I love about Puerto Rican people is they know how to party! I mean, there were so many people in their house and everyone was having the most amazing time, dancing, singing along and clapping.  While my heart was still heavy, my spirit lifted and I felt joy.

¡Wepa!* They just kept playing one song after another.  It was an amazing night!

So, you know the movie, "White Men Can't Jump"?  Well, this white girl can't dance.  I wish I could because I'm so jealous of those who have rhythm.  Look at these ladies dance it up!  "¡Wepa!*

I had the most amazing time and am pleased to count the Davilas among my new friends. They are beautiful people.

Vicky & Nelson Davila
My new friends ... a true blessing to me

Take time to appreciate your blessings. Sometimes they come in unexpected form.

People from the gym that were at the Davilas.  New friends in the making.

*Wepa is a Spanish term of excitement.  It loosely means, "All right!  Cool! Yeah!"

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
Numbers 6:24-26

Question for you: 

(Answer in the comment section below.)

What fun things did you do this weekend?

Now:  Subscribe to new posts!  When a new post is added, you will receive an email notice so you can check it out.  I promise:  no SPAM and I won't share your email address with anyone.  Look at the top right side of the page to subscribe.  

Follow me on Instagram:  @tracoleman99

The Toll It Takes

I've hinted occasionally at my family history of addiction, but I have not really spoken about this.  Today I am daring to break the silence.  They call AA "Alcoholics Anonymous" for a reason, so to preserve my loved one's privacy, I want to discuss what it's like to be on the other side.  What it does to the family of the addict/ alcoholic (I will interchange these words throughout this post) and the impact that has had on my own personal journey towards fitness and health.

When I started this journey two years ago, I weighed 232 lbs. I was in pain 24 hours / day, 7 days / week.  I was depressed and physically I felt horrible.  

When the alcoholic in my life first started to battle with addiction, I didn't really recognize it for what it is.  I blamed this person for drinking too much, for being inappropriate, for the angry outbursts, for being unavailable.  There are a lot of things that happen in your relationship with the addict.  There is a perpetual feeling of walking on eggshells around the alcoholic.  You plead with them to stop, to get help, to go into recovery.  Getting them to admit they have a problem or to even acknowledge that their problem is an addiction can take years.  Getting them to enter treatment is impossible.  The addict needs to realize that s/he has a problem and that s/he can't deal with it on their own.  Nothing you do can convince the alcoholic to change.  This is probably the hardest part.  In fact, in my own case, everything I have done to convince the addict that s/he needs to change has only made them dig their heels in even harder, refusing to stop.

When you fight this battle long enough,. eventually love dies.  While you still care about your alcoholic, the feelings of love and affection you may have had for the person go away.  Holidays and special occasions are often dreaded because you really don't know what to expect from your alcoholic/addict loved one.  Will s/he be sober?  Hung over?  High/drunk?  Loud/obnoxious?  Inappropriate?  Will s/he even show up?  During times of sobriety, when the light is on and the addict is not drinking or drugging, you remember what s/he is like.  There is hope that s/he may actually change.  And then, something happens and the vacation is over.   It's a never ending cycle.

Being a Christian, I pray so much for my loved one to be released from the bondage and cycle of addiction.  I have hope.  But so often, hope is crushed.

In many cases, alcoholism and drug addiction occur as a result of self-medicating a mental illness.  It could be anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or something else.  The people I know are afraid of the stigma associated with mental illness, so they turn to that glass of wine or a quick "fix" to take the edge off.  The one glass (or fix) isn't enough after a while and the cycle grows to a problem, which becomes an addiction.  The cycle can become deadly.  According to the Center for Disease Control, "alcohol and drug abuse are second only to depression and other mood disorders as the most frequent risk factors for suicidal behavior."  I don't know about you, but this scares me.

I Need a Miracle

by Third Day

If you or a loved one is struggling with depression, or with alcoholism or addiction, I implore you to not give up hope.  Whatever you are facing today, tomorrow is a new day.  You can work through your problems.  Turn to someone you care about, share with them what's going on, how you really feel.  If you don't have someone you trust, call a professional for help. The number for the National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.  Put that number in your contacts.  Being a counselor, I have the local suicide hotline in my contacts and I often encourage my students or their parents to put it in their phone.  You can save a life with that number.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:18-19

If you are struggling with alcoholism, find out where the local AA / NA meetings are here:  Find Local A.A.  Find Local N.A.
Al-Anon / Alateen are groups for the loved ones of Alcoholics.  Many people find comfort in attending this meetings, by learning more about themselves and how they can function better with the alcoholic / addict.

When you love an alcoholic / addict, it often means dealing with unpredictable mood swings, angry outbursts and  erratic behavior.  There is a sense of "walking on eggshells" around this person.  The day before I did the Ride to Remember, I got an angry phone call from my loved one because I had not been attentive enough.  Honestly, I had been avoiding the person because I just didn't want to deal with it.  So when I got off the phone, I said to myself, "Let this call go.  Don't let it get in your head."

In looking at my own fitness journey, I look back at my own struggle with food.  Depression definitely played a significant  role in keeping me from doing anything about my weight and was a key factor in my inability to move forward.  It took me a long time, but eventually I was able to move forward enough to tip the scale in my favor (literally).  I still struggle with anxiety and depression.  My doctor tells me they are two sides of the same coin.  It can be debilitating at times, which is why it's important to acknowledge it for what it is, so it does not interfere with my ability to live a full and healthy life.  There is a stigma associated with alcoholism,  addiction and mental illness.  I am hoping that by talking about it openly here, I can help someone who may be struggling.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

Psalm 34:17

Life is precious.  Every moment.  Four years ago this month, my cousin took his own life, leaving a wake of devastation for everyone who cared about him.  Often, you can't know what someone is going through.  Make sure to tell the people  you care about how much they mean to you.  Smile at people on the street and wish them well.  If someone looks down, ask them if they are okay.  If they are down, ask them if they want to talk about it.  Tell them you care.  If you are concerned about someone's well being, if they seem really down, ask them, "Are you thinking about killing yourself?"  Don't be afraid to ask that question.  You could save their life.

In this video created by Mayo Clinic, teens describe common signs that a teen is considering suicide and provide encouragement for communicating directly and immediately for support and safety. It also Includes suggestions for what to say to a teen who may be at risk for suicide and ways to keep them safe. Things can get better.

This may sound cliche, but there is always hope.  Hope for a better life.  Hope in healing and restoration.  Hope that only Jesus can give.

Questions for you: 

(Answer in the comment section below.)

Do you or someone you love battle with alcoholism or addiction?  Do you need help?
If someone you love told you they were thinking about suicide, what would you say / do?

Follow me on Instagram:  @tracoleman99

Sharing My Story In Public

The Ride to Remember is next Saturday.  Nine days.  (Eight days, six hours, forty-five minutes to be exact.)

My Hubby and his friend before R2R 2013

I've talked the ride being a big fitness goal for me, but I haven't talked too much about the ride itself. The Ride to Remember is a bike ride to honor and remember fallen police officers.  In 2012, Springfield Police Officer Kevin Ambrose was killed in the line of duty.  My husband is a Springfield Police Officer, so Officer Ambrose's death was very hard on him and hit very close to home for me.  In 2013, the department organized the first Ride to Remember in honor of Officer Ambrose and Officer Jose Torres, a Westfield police officer who died in the line of duty shortly after Officer Ambrose.  This year will be the third Ride to Remember, continuing the tradition of honoring fallen officers.

This is a charity ride.  Riders pay a fee, which goes to support the Law Enforcement Memorial in Boston.  This year, there have been several organized fundraisers to cover the costs of the ride and to support the renovation of the Michael Schiavina and Alain Beauregard Memorial Soccer Field.  Springfield Police Officers Schiavina and Beauregard were killed in the line of duty in 1985.

Before

After

My school is planning a fundraiser next Wednesday to raise money for the cause.  The plan is to sell blue ribbons to the public.  I will go with them in my Ride to Remember clothes.  Monday we plan to stay after school to make the ribbons.  Today I went to classrooms to tell them my story and ask for their help in making the ribbons.

My story.  How do I tell a group of high school kids my story in five minutes or less and convince them that I need their help to support the cause?  

I organized some pictures, showed them before pictures of me, told them about Mike.  With the first class, I got choked up, had to take a minute to collect myself.  (Geesh, Tracey, pull it together!!)  I told them about doing the Rugged Maniac last year and telling Mike that I want to do the Ride to Remember.  Told them that I never really imagined I would be able to do it, but that I have been training for it and am ready.  So many of them volunteered to stay after on Monday.  I was blessed.

I showed them these pictures of me...before and after

Mike Made Me Do It
Mike helped me to believe in myself.  When he died, I was devastated.
His death affected a change in me, which has pushed me to accomplish my goals.
I want his life to matter:  to me, to others, as well.
He inspired me to overcome my obstacles.

 I think my story got to a few of the kids.  I heard their reactions.  "Miss, what happened to him?"  "Miss, he was so young!"  "Miss, you're mad skinny now."  "Miss, how did you lose so much weight?"  "Miss..."

I'm not sure how or if I will be able to share my story with more people.  My audience here is limited, but part of me wants to sing it from the rooftop.  This is my story.

Nine days until the Ride to Remember.  Nine days.

A pic from Monday's ride.  I did a metric century with the Competitive Edge group.  It was a good ride.  It was HOT, HOT, HOT, but I felt good.  I'm ready.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and  a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 4

I hope you dance:  Lee Ann Womack

Follow me on Instagram @tracoleman99

Questions for you:
What's your favorite inspirational song?

What one goal or dream do you wish you could do?  What's keeping you from accomplishing it?

Leave your answers in the comments below.

Commitment

No matter how you think about it, or look at it, it all boils down to commitment. Are you committed to becoming fit? Are you willing to do what it takes to make your dreams come true? The concept of commitment has probably most helped me overcome obstacles along the way.

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

Proverbs 16:3

Before my trainer, Mike, died, I really did not have the commitment needed to achieve my goals. I worked out at the gym pretty regularly, but I did things the way I wanted and made a lot of excuses.  When Mike died, I had an "A-Ha" moment.  His death made me realize how precious life is. Treasure the things that matter most: family, friends, health.  I had a renewed sense of commitment to meet my fitness goals.  I don't know if you want to call it determination or a desire to prove something from the tragedy.  (I write about this here:  Mike made me do it.)

Commitment is a tough word. When you commit yourself to something, or someone, it means you're "all in." But as a society, we often fear commitment.  I think it's fear of failure, a fear of success, a fear of getting hurt - maybe a combination of all three.  Looking back on the past 18 months, I can see varying levels of commitment towards my fitness journey.  What kept me moving forward was thinking to myself, "Do you have what it takes?  Do you dare to succeed?  Do you dare to try your best and possibly fail?"  I have surprised myself over and over again.  Even today, about 75 lbs. from my original weight, stronger than I have ever been, I have to ask myself, "Do you have what it takes?  Are you a quitter?"  It's commitment.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:4

That said, I have not traveled this journey alone.  I have an amazing support system.

• My best friend Stacy started her journey towards fitness this year and has lost 50 lbs!  I am so happy for her!  She inspires me to keep going and we share ideas, laugh together, cry together, and sometimes yell at each other. That's what friends do - they stick together through the good and the bad.  
• My husband puts up with me, gives me riding tips and suggestions.  He says, "I don't want to hear it when you're sore tomorrow."  And when he's right, I say, "I don't want to hear, 'I told you so.'"  I love him!  
• My sister-in-law Maria who cheers for me along the way, who drags me out in 15 degree weather to do "boot camp."
• My cousin Jaime is an NPC Bikini Competitor.  Over the past two years, I have admired her journey and she has so inspired me.  If she could accomplish all she has, I know I can reach my goals. 
• I've written previously about the girls at work and my trainer Dmitriy.  They are a constant source of support, encouragement and are truly the ones that keep me honest and keep me going.  You can read about them here:  Don't go it alone and Dmitriy made it happen.

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgement.

Proverbs 18:1

Let me ask you: Are you thinking about making changes to your life?  Is it a fitness goal?  Is it a career change?  Is it a relationship?  Are you committed to what it takes to be successful?  Are you afraid?  Maybe you'll fail.  Maybe you'll succeed - and WHAT would that mean?  Maybe  you'll get hurt.  Success.  Failure.  Pain.  What's worse?  Sitting back, doing nothing, waiting for something to change, letting life go by and your existence to continue.  OR Stepping out, taking steps to change, taking risks and seeing what happens.  Maybe you will fail, but if you are truly committed, you won't let a temporary failure set you back completely.  You'll find a way around your obstacle and you'll renew.  We learn every day, only if we allow ourselves the chance.

At the end of the day, I want to be able to say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."  2 Timothy 4:7

Follow me on Instagram @tracoleman99

Mike made me do it.

In my last blog, I wrote about the need for a support system.  Having people to stand by you, to cheer you on, to encourage you, to make you laugh when you need it and to hold you up when you're down.

One of the key people in my support system has been my personal trainer.  I've had three.  After a few months with the first one, our schedules were not a good match, so I got a new trainer.  Mike was a young, good looking guy.  We clicked immediately.  After our first "getting to you know you" session, he had me lifting weights, barbell presses and a whole variety of other weights.  I couldn't lift my arms.  "You did a really great job today, Tracey.  I'm proud of you," he said.

I can remember thinking, "He's proud of me?  Oh my God, he's proud of me.  I did it!"  I felt  a giant surge of confidence, like I might actually be able to do it.  I started going to the gym at least three times per week (something I was not doing previously).  Mike asked me how my nutrition was and I said, "I am not going to use that stupid app.  So don't ask me to.  I know how to eat right, I just need to do it."  The focus of my sessions with Mike was all exercise and endurance.

After the first weigh-in, I lost 9 lbs and I was beginning to lose inches.  I was encouraged.  I really enjoyed my time with Mike.  He was so funny, always cracking jokes.  He pushed me to do things that I did not think I could do.  I would look at him, shake my head and say, "No, I'm not doing that."  He would shake his head, point and say, "Yes.  You got this."  I would do it and he'd say, "See? You got this."  He started having me bench press weights and do dead lifts.  We started bench pressing just the 45-pound Olympic bar.  I couldn't do at first, but he helped make sure the stupid thing did not crush me and I got through it.  When he graduated me to lifting without his help, he'd say, "This is all you."  He knew exactly what I needed to do to see improvement.  He gave me routines to practice on my own.  Some of the exercises were so hard, that when I did them, I heard him saying, "Trace, it's all you.  You got this."  I still hear him sometimes.

I wrote about the Rugged Maniac in a previous blog entry.  I was so grateful to Mike for believing in me and for giving me the confidence to complete the race.  If it weren't for him, I don't think I would have even gone to the race, let alone finish it.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:7

In the fall, I started working evenings, so I had to juggle my appointments with Mike and figure out how to get to the gym.  I wasn't getting home until about 7 p.m.  I finally learned to stop making excuses for not working out.  I was at school for close to 12 hours and still made it to Best Fitness every day.  Mike was flexible and let me know if a later appointment opened up so I could get my session in with him.

Our family planned a trip to Disney World for Thanksgiving.  When I started packing, I realized my clothes were too big.  It was a really good problem to have.  I went to Kohl's and bought a couple things, packed what I could find at home that would work.  I was so excited and grateful to Mike.  Our family had an amazing vacation.

On Thanksgiving I got a mixed up text message from Mike, meant for someone else.  He told me he wasn't feeling well. I  said, "No worries."  We came home on the 30th.  Monday evening I went to the gym to workout, grabbed my card from Mike's drawer, did one of my routines.  During one of the exercises, I remember thinking, "I need to talk to Mike about this one because it doesn't feel right tonight.  Not sure what's wrong...if I'm doing something wrong or what."  As I was putting my card away, Ashley grabbed me and said, "I need to talk to you."  She brought me into her office, had me sit down and told me that Mike got sick last week, was in the hospital over the weekend and died the night before.  I really can't remember anything she said after that.  I was in shock.  Numb.  Mike was 24-years-old.  What do you mean he died?  This is not a funny joke.  What the?

Somehow I got home, told my husband what happened.  Mike was my trainer.  I spent 30 minutes with him each week.  None of my friends, family or coworkers knew him or was friends with him. I felt like I was all alone with my grief and that no one could possibly understand what I was going through.   At work the next day, I cried on and off all day long.  The other counselors had to cover for me because I could not function.

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces. 

Isaiah 25:8

While my relationship with Mike was strictly professional, he helped me believe in myself.  By this point, I had lost 40 lbs, which I attributed to Mike.  Losing him made me wonder if I could continue without him.  Mike reminded me so much of my oldest son.  He had an amazing sense of humor.  He was so witty and made me laugh.  I talked to him about my kids and he talked to me about his parents.  He loved them both so much.  One time he told me he went to the store to buy his mom flowers, "Just because."  I thought that was so special.  

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother."

Ephesians 6:1-2a

As I had become accustomed to working out later, I went to the gym every night after dinner.  I'd try to get through the routine...and I would cry.  One time Ashley saw me and pulled me into her office to let me get it out.  She was amazing.  Another time I saw someone who looked like Mike and I thought, "This was some stupid cruel joke," then he turned around and I saw it wasn't Mike.  And I cried some more.  I could not listen to the playlist on my phone because the songs reminded me of Mike.  In an effort to find new music to workout to, I thought disco music would work, so I made a "Bee Gees" station on iTunes Radio.  Do you know what songs come on the Bee Gees station?  Love songs.  How about these?

How can you mend a broken heart?  - Bee Gees

How can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?  (tell me)

How can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go round?

-----

But we could never see tomorrow

Would you believe that no one

No one ever told us about the sorrow (so)

Help me mend my broken heart

...I just wanna live again.

Everything I Own - Bread

Is there someone you know,

Your loving them so,
But taking them all for granted?
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away, 
And they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own, 
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own, 
Just to have you back again;

Mike was gone.  Listening to these songs made me sob.  It was like poison.  I knew it wasn't good for me, but I couldn't help it.  I listened to one after the other.  Eventually I was able to make it through a workout without tears and I created a new playlist (minus the Bee Gees).  The staff at Best Fitness helped.  Nastasha, Ashley and my new trainer Dmitriy have been amazing.  Nastasha has been a shoulder to cry on when I could not pull it together.  Without Ashley, I would have quit. She helped me to keep my focus, to put one foot in front of the other.  Dmitriy has been great too.  I'll write about him in another blog.  

Since Mike died, I've turned my pain into motivation.  I am determined to achieve my fitness goals.

The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Michael Cobian

Michael touched so many lives and meant so much to so many people.  He will be missed.
I hope he is watching over us.  That he can see how much I have accomplished and is proud.

When I do the Ride to Remember in September, I am doing it for him.

May he rest in peace.