Breakthroughs

Ah ha!

Have you ever had one of those moments?  You know, when you've been struggling with something for a while?  It keeps you up at night?  You worry and fret about it?  And then, one day, you sort of "get it."  Well, that happened to me the other day.

It's strange how your brain works sometimes.

Something happened last year.  I haven't really gotten over it.  I can't really talk about it here because it involves people I care about.  My business is my business, and if I choose to make it public, that's one thing.  But I can't really write about my relationships with other people on my blog.  It's not meant to be a gossip column, or a place for me to vent my grievances.  This blog is about my journey.

So, anyway, the other day... I was working out at the gym and I wanted to talk to the manager about something.  I introduced myself and I said, "Hi, I'm Tracey.  I used to train with one of your trainers.  If you have a minute..."  He said, "Yes, I met you once a long time ago.  I know who you are.  You lost a ton of weight."  We talked for a couple minutes and he said to me, "I'm really impressed with your workouts.  You've done a great job keeping the weight off."

My and my Nanny, 2012

Over the past 14 months, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster.  I've had one physical / health challenge after another.  On top of that, I've faced some personal losses.  My beautiful grandmother died.   I lost a friend.  My heart has ached.  Loss.  I almost let it consume me.

I wrote a lot about this last year:  The Change Factor

I did a great job keeping the weight off.  Someone that doesn't even know me noticed and thinks I'm doing a good job.  

It was then that I realized, "Ah ha!"

There were signs.  They weren't even subtle.  I know them.  I've lived with them.  Short temper.  Being simultaneously present and absent.  Unreliability.  Feeling like you're walking on egg shells.  Silence.  More...  I didn't want to acknowledge it, but everything pointed in that direction.  

Egg Shells

I did see the signs.  And after a while, I knew I had to change the nature of our friendship.  I care deeply about this person, but I also have self respect and I just don't let people walk all over me.  I don't deserve it.  It was never my intention to sever our friendship entirely, I just had to put some boundaries up.  It was a very difficult decision.  Even though it was the RIGHT thing to do, I regretted it.

The Toll It Takes

Worse:  I did not anticipate the consequences.  Things did not quite go the way I thought and our friendship ended completely.  This hurt me deeply.

I'm impressed with your workouts.  You've done a good job keeping the weight off.  

But I finally realized it was MY decision.  I started the ball rolling.  I did it.  And it was the RIGHT thing to do.  I don't think I realized that until my conversation with the guy at the gym.

Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Sometimes we have to do that, we have to do the difficult thing, make a difficult choice, and then we have to live with it, even when it hurts.  Unfortunately, sometimes that happens in life.  Relationships end, even abruptly.  It hurts, it breaks your heart even.  But sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Where I've been

I think, no, I know, I am spoiled.  As an only child, although I had rules, I was more than just loved.  My parents doted on me.  I was probably the luckiest woman alive to have met and married my husband, Brian.  He loves me, he knows me, he gets me.  He tells me I'm beautiful when I feel gross.  He gives me space when I'm cranky and want to be left alone.  He is my number one fan.  I also have some of the best friends on earth.  People whose company I truly enjoy; who are there for me in thick and thin; who tell me the truth, even when it's tough to hear; who love me the way I am.

My heart

So, when I lost this friend, I was hurt.  Even though I took actions which communicated, "I've had enough of the way you're treating me," I was hurt.

Over the past year, through out my physical challenges and personal losses, I've managed to keep my head up, even though I've wanted to bury it in the sand and cry.  Tonight I will say yet another prayer for this friend, but I know I will sleep a little sounder.

I did what I had to do.  It's okay.  I am okay.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:18-19

Questions for you (answer in the comment section below):
Do you struggle with depression?  Have you ever ended a relationship with someone you care deeply about and not understood what happened?  How did you get through it?

Musical notes ♩♫ ♪ ♬ ♪

This spring I started posting my favorite workout tunes.  This is on my Christian playlist.  I don't workout to it, but the lyrics and the music are incredible.  Just listen....

You're Gonna Be OK by Brian and Jenn Johnson

I know it's all you've got to just be strong.  And it's a fight to just keep it together.  I know you think that you are too far gone.  But hope is never lost.  Hope is never lost.  

Hold on, don't let go.  Just take one step closer, on foot in front of the other.  You'll get through this, just follow the light in the darkness.  You're gonna be ok.

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Email:  tracoleman99@gmail.com

Egg Shells

Shortly before Christmas I wrote a post entitled, "The Toll It Takes."  I shared briefly what it is like when you love someone who battles with addiction.  I have been reflecting on how this dynamic affects other relationships in your life.

When you love an addict, you tend to become numb to the heartbreak and disappointment you experience.  Yet when others let you down, the pain is much more poignant.  "One effect of alcoholism is that many of us are reluctant to get close to people.  We have learned that it is not safe to trust, to reveal too much, to care deeply.  Yet we often wish we could experience closer, more loving relationships."  ©Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters  You think, "Maybe I can trust this person.  S/He seems nice.  Seems like they care."  It's not uncommon to develop relationships with people who are either very needy or wholly emotionally unable to connect.

With the addict/ alcoholic, there is a constant feeling of walking on egg shells.  When you face strife in your other relationships, it's either fight or flight.  This is not a healthy way to deal with conflict.  I admit it.  When I get mad, my response depends on who / what I am mad about.  I tend to get mad, choose to speak my mind or keep my mouth shut, talk about it with my husband if I need to, and let it go.  I do not hold onto old grudges, things people have done to wrong me or my loved ones.  I mean, there are things here and there that I do not forget, which impinge on relationships sometimes.  But overall, I do not carry a bag of others' wrongs around with me.  That kind of burden leads to bitterness and resentment which are two feelings I can do without.

I grew up learning two different ways to deal with conflict.  One:  keep a list of all the wrongs people have ever committed against you (which are far too often exaggerated), and bring these up every time someone does something wrong and shove it in their face or rehash it over and over with everyone you know.  Simultaneously, my father taught by example to put your selfish needs to the side, to love and forgive.  God's grace.  I found the contradiction between both sides to be too much to reconcile.  Tempted sometimes to stir up old hurts, to rehash a wrong that was committed against me, I consciously try to choose forgiveness as a better alternative.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of God.
Matthew 5:9

I have a hard time understanding why some people choose to harbor unforgiveness, allowing resentment to take the strong hold of their relationships.  Accompanied by a never relenting tendency to blame others.  This is the way of the alcoholic/addict.  If you say something in the wrong tone of voice, leave a dish in the sink, work too late, forget to call, have a bad day, or whatever else might happen, this becomes a reason for the alcoholic/addict to go on a bender or lash out.  They blame anyone and anything for their drinking/drugging.  No matter what you do, how you try to make things right, you really can't put things back together for them.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and
All the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13

In my journey over the past two+ years, I have done a lot of soul searching.  What compelled me to eat?  Why did I turn to food as my comfort?  As I continue on this journey and life happens, sometimes feelings of poor self-worth, regret, and fear of abandonment are triggered.  Stress tends to really magnify this.  With all the stress of late, I find myself wanting to take short cuts.

"If I skip a meal, it's okay if I binge eat ice cream or cookies."

"I had a bad day today, my shoulder really hurts.  I'm going to skip the gym and lay here watching TV."  

I can see how easy it would be to regress, to fall off the wagon, to go back to my old way of dealing.  I resist.  I have been bringing oatmeal with me to work and eating breakfast there.  I keep some protein bars in my desk and make sure to always bring a piece of fruit and a yogurt, just in case I get too busy to eat lunch, I can grab something quick.  I adjusted my calories and macros again to give me more fuel for my bike rides.

A salted caramel ice cream cone (in a waffle cone) during the ELL Academy Field Day

I've been praying a lot.  Seeking God to heal my broken heart.  Why do I still want to turn towards food when I feel like this?  What causes my anger, why can't I let it go?  What do I need to do to avoid feeling hurt by others when things don't go the way I expected?

Sometimes I find the answers in nature.  It might not be a loud gong, but maybe just a whisper of a beautiful flower I see when I'm hiking.

This is a process, part of my journey.  I can see my journey towards fitness is also one of healing, which is necessary to keep me from going back to my old ways.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  
Psalms 34:18

Stand by Britt Nicole

If you or someone you know struggles with addiction, you are not alone.  You shouldn't expect to deal with it alone, either.  Message me if you need someone to talk to or to point you in the right direction.  tracoleman99 @ gmail.com   (To avoid SPAM, I have added spaces before and after the @.)

Find an Alcoholics Anonymous group here.
Find a Narcotics Anonymous group here.
Alanon is for friends and families of problem drinkers.
Alateen, like Alanon, is for friends and families of problem drinkers, but is geared towards teenagers.

Questions for you...Answer in the comment section below.
What's your favorite month of the year?  Which one is most challenging?

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The Toll It Takes

I've hinted occasionally at my family history of addiction, but I have not really spoken about this.  Today I am daring to break the silence.  They call AA "Alcoholics Anonymous" for a reason, so to preserve my loved one's privacy, I want to discuss what it's like to be on the other side.  What it does to the family of the addict/ alcoholic (I will interchange these words throughout this post) and the impact that has had on my own personal journey towards fitness and health.

When I started this journey two years ago, I weighed 232 lbs. I was in pain 24 hours / day, 7 days / week.  I was depressed and physically I felt horrible.  

When the alcoholic in my life first started to battle with addiction, I didn't really recognize it for what it is.  I blamed this person for drinking too much, for being inappropriate, for the angry outbursts, for being unavailable.  There are a lot of things that happen in your relationship with the addict.  There is a perpetual feeling of walking on eggshells around the alcoholic.  You plead with them to stop, to get help, to go into recovery.  Getting them to admit they have a problem or to even acknowledge that their problem is an addiction can take years.  Getting them to enter treatment is impossible.  The addict needs to realize that s/he has a problem and that s/he can't deal with it on their own.  Nothing you do can convince the alcoholic to change.  This is probably the hardest part.  In fact, in my own case, everything I have done to convince the addict that s/he needs to change has only made them dig their heels in even harder, refusing to stop.

When you fight this battle long enough,. eventually love dies.  While you still care about your alcoholic, the feelings of love and affection you may have had for the person go away.  Holidays and special occasions are often dreaded because you really don't know what to expect from your alcoholic/addict loved one.  Will s/he be sober?  Hung over?  High/drunk?  Loud/obnoxious?  Inappropriate?  Will s/he even show up?  During times of sobriety, when the light is on and the addict is not drinking or drugging, you remember what s/he is like.  There is hope that s/he may actually change.  And then, something happens and the vacation is over.   It's a never ending cycle.

Being a Christian, I pray so much for my loved one to be released from the bondage and cycle of addiction.  I have hope.  But so often, hope is crushed.

In many cases, alcoholism and drug addiction occur as a result of self-medicating a mental illness.  It could be anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or something else.  The people I know are afraid of the stigma associated with mental illness, so they turn to that glass of wine or a quick "fix" to take the edge off.  The one glass (or fix) isn't enough after a while and the cycle grows to a problem, which becomes an addiction.  The cycle can become deadly.  According to the Center for Disease Control, "alcohol and drug abuse are second only to depression and other mood disorders as the most frequent risk factors for suicidal behavior."  I don't know about you, but this scares me.

I Need a Miracle

by Third Day

If you or a loved one is struggling with depression, or with alcoholism or addiction, I implore you to not give up hope.  Whatever you are facing today, tomorrow is a new day.  You can work through your problems.  Turn to someone you care about, share with them what's going on, how you really feel.  If you don't have someone you trust, call a professional for help. The number for the National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.  Put that number in your contacts.  Being a counselor, I have the local suicide hotline in my contacts and I often encourage my students or their parents to put it in their phone.  You can save a life with that number.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:18-19

If you are struggling with alcoholism, find out where the local AA / NA meetings are here:  Find Local A.A.  Find Local N.A.
Al-Anon / Alateen are groups for the loved ones of Alcoholics.  Many people find comfort in attending this meetings, by learning more about themselves and how they can function better with the alcoholic / addict.

When you love an alcoholic / addict, it often means dealing with unpredictable mood swings, angry outbursts and  erratic behavior.  There is a sense of "walking on eggshells" around this person.  The day before I did the Ride to Remember, I got an angry phone call from my loved one because I had not been attentive enough.  Honestly, I had been avoiding the person because I just didn't want to deal with it.  So when I got off the phone, I said to myself, "Let this call go.  Don't let it get in your head."

In looking at my own fitness journey, I look back at my own struggle with food.  Depression definitely played a significant  role in keeping me from doing anything about my weight and was a key factor in my inability to move forward.  It took me a long time, but eventually I was able to move forward enough to tip the scale in my favor (literally).  I still struggle with anxiety and depression.  My doctor tells me they are two sides of the same coin.  It can be debilitating at times, which is why it's important to acknowledge it for what it is, so it does not interfere with my ability to live a full and healthy life.  There is a stigma associated with alcoholism,  addiction and mental illness.  I am hoping that by talking about it openly here, I can help someone who may be struggling.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

Psalm 34:17

Life is precious.  Every moment.  Four years ago this month, my cousin took his own life, leaving a wake of devastation for everyone who cared about him.  Often, you can't know what someone is going through.  Make sure to tell the people  you care about how much they mean to you.  Smile at people on the street and wish them well.  If someone looks down, ask them if they are okay.  If they are down, ask them if they want to talk about it.  Tell them you care.  If you are concerned about someone's well being, if they seem really down, ask them, "Are you thinking about killing yourself?"  Don't be afraid to ask that question.  You could save their life.

In this video created by Mayo Clinic, teens describe common signs that a teen is considering suicide and provide encouragement for communicating directly and immediately for support and safety. It also Includes suggestions for what to say to a teen who may be at risk for suicide and ways to keep them safe. Things can get better.

This may sound cliche, but there is always hope.  Hope for a better life.  Hope in healing and restoration.  Hope that only Jesus can give.

Questions for you: 

(Answer in the comment section below.)

Do you or someone you love battle with alcoholism or addiction?  Do you need help?
If someone you love told you they were thinking about suicide, what would you say / do?

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