Far from Perfect

Hello friends! It's been a long time since I've taken a moment to write. I wanted to share with you what I've been experiencing the past month or so. I was supposed to finish my field experience for my degree back in December, but I didn't really even start logging the hours until February. (That's after I was supposed to already be done.) As much as I like to write and share my thoughts with you on my blog, it's an entirely different story writing about what I do every day and applying it to my goal of becoming a principal someday. This has been a grueling experience for me! It's taking me hours and days even. Because I don't like it, it's excruciatingly painful.

I have no life right now, except this.  This is my daily Snapchat.  Me at Starbucks, writing in my journal, trying to catch up.

I've been going to Starbucks as much as I can and writing there without distractions- nothing to keep me from writing. I can't do laundry, watch Netflix or work out if I am at Starbucks writing my journal. Like I said, I should've been done with this in December.

The stress from this has kicked in my depression which feels like a wet blanket covering me. And I really can't seem to get the blanket off of me.  I know that this is all related to stress from finishing this up and stuff that's been going on at work, but it's not a fun experience to go through.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slim pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.
Psalm 40:1-3 NIV

I'm trying to be really good about my nutrition and I'm still working out at least four days a week.  I have been taking more days off from the gym than I'm used to. This just adds to my anxiety, because there's that fear of getting fat, you know? When you've been on yo-yo diets most of your adult life and you gain the weight back every time, you really don't want to get fat again.

I've taken to eating more of "whatever I want" more and more often.  It's like walking on a frozen pond after a thaw.  Not very smart.  But the donut was sooooooooooo good.

If you've never been fat before, it's hard for you to understand what I'm talking about. But if you've been on a diet and lost weight, you know how easy it is to rebound. So I'm trying hard to be good about my nutrition and exercise even if I can't make it to the gym every day.  

When you feel like this, it's hard to even look forward to anything. 

Last week, my husband and I are celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary!  I can't even believe it, it doesn't seem real. He is my best friend, I love him with my whole heart. 25 years!  I don't feel old enough to be married that long.

Brian & I on our wedding day, 25 years ago.

We're going to go away for anniversary, but probably not until the fall. It's hard when you're feeling overwhelmed with everything to look forward to things like celebrating your anniversary, planning a vacation, or even going to the beach this summer.  

We took a day to sneak away and went to Mohegan Sun.  It was a nice get away.  No work - Brian would not let me and I needed the reprieve.

In thinking about this, I realize that I'm just not perfect. I don't have it all together, I probably never will. But I realize that's OK. My husband loves me anyway.  My kids think I'm all right too. And hopefully if you're reading this you think I'm OK.  This was never about being perfect, it was about achieving my goals, and right now that's what I'm working really hard to do. Finishing my degree is all that matters, and I know that it is going to be a lot of hard work.  I have it in me to make it happen.

Meanwhile, please stay tuned as I will be back to blogging regularly when all this is done!

Look how much my Princess Leia is growing up!  Long walks with her are good for both of us!

I've taken a serious liking to iHeart Radio.  My favorite channel is Top 40 Workout.  This channel has an awesome collection of upbeat, leg stomping music.  I also really like K-Love, which has uplifting, inspirational Christian music which is good for my soul.  It just depends on what I'm in the mood to hear.  What I like about iHeart Radio is that it seems to be intuitive...it knows that I have a crazy eclectic taste in music and it combines some outrageous styles of music which keeps my groove on whether I am writing, walking the dog or working out.  Check out these favorites...  (I told you, I'm eclectic!)

Here in Your Presence

by New Life Worship

I'm Straight

by Fetty wap

Cake by the Ocean

by DNCE

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comments below.)

What's your favorite workout song?  What's your favorite coffee spot?

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The Dark Side of the Moon

Have you ever studied the phases of the moon?  Doesn't it seem like the full moon lasts for just a day or two?  Yet the new moon, when the dark side of the moon faces the earth, seems to last forever?  This week we are in the new phase, when there is very little light to brighten the evening skies.

With a new puppy in the house, I spend a lot of time outside with her, training and playing with her and Koby.  This week, I couldn't help but think about how the darkness of the night compares with my emotional state.

Leia LOVES all of Koby's toys.  She takes every single one of them out, throws them around his bed and lays on top of it, like she's the Queen Bee.  He doesn't mind too much, she's growing on him.

Since I've lost the weight, I can't help but look inward, so I can identify what contributed to  my obesity (and being stuck there for so long).  I know I struggle with anxiety, which grips me at times. There is a feeling like a vice grip is wrapped around my chest.  It wakes me up in the middle of the night, not being able to turn my brain off.  It's horrible.  I spoke to my doctor about it last fall and he gave me some medication to help deal with it.  It took about a month for me to feel better.  Now the vice grip is gone and I am able to sleep much better now.  I still struggle with it.  I can't turn my brain off sometimes.

Now I can see more clearly that my anxiety is like the phases of the moon.  I am currently in the New Moon phase, the dark side of the moon.  For the past several weeks, maybe months even, I have had a hard time seeing any light.  I feel down.  I lack energy and motivation.  My inspiration is zapped.  There is a name for this and it's not anxiety.  It's depression.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual checkup.  Before I saw him, the medical assistant asked me, "In the past two weeks, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?"

Ummmm...every day.  

"Has it prevented you from doing things you normally do."

Ummmmm...yes, most definitely.

The doctor increased the dose of my medication.  I go back to see him in a month.

This got me to thinking about not only my journey these past two+ years, but my life's journey.

The dark side of the moon, my depression, has affected me just as much as my anxiety.  Losing weight has helped me overcome it to a point, but when life kicks in, you cannot change your chemical makeup.  I used food as a coping mechanism.  This only backfired, leaving me feeling guilty after.

I have to be honest with you, I feel like this is a tremendous breakthrough for me.  I am embracing it, embracing the depression.  It's me.  It's who I am and I am okay with it.  The change in my medication will help.  But now I have the skills I need to turn on a few internal candles, instead of allowing food to be my source of comfort.

Last night it was difficult.  I wanted a Friendly's Peanut Butter Sundae Cup.  If there had been any in the house, I would surely have eaten all 450 calories of one and snuck in a second one for good measure.  Instead, I had a Skinny Cow, an orange and some peanut butter.  Still was probably 450 calories, but it was controlled.  The Skinny Cow satisfied my need for ice cream, the orange satisfied my need for sugar and the peanut butter staved off any additional cravings and hunger I might have for the rest of the the night.

This morning, I don't feel guilty.

I realize that I am in the New Moon Phase.  Food will no longer rule my world.

Even though the gym is the last place I want to be ...

"Has it prevented you from doing things you normally do?"

I will go, I will work through this.

Now that the weather is warmer, I will ride my bike more often, which will kick my adrenaline back up.  Feeling the sunshine on my skin will boost my energy.

I went out twice this week.  My first ride was a quick 13 mile ride to make sure the bike was working and that everything checked out okay.  Wednesday it was 80 degrees out and I went for a 30+ mile ride with ladies from the Competitive Edge Cycling club.  It was amazing.  No pictures from that ride, though.

Do you struggle with anxiety or depression?  How do you manage it?  Or does it manage you?  Do you use food to comfort you?  If you can relate to this, my prayer is for you to see there is hope, even in the darkness.  You can learn strategies to help you work through the dark times so that food, alcohol or drugs don't rule your life.  Even when you are feeling down and hopeless, there is always hope.  The sun will come out.  The moon will start to shine again.  The light will fill you.

Happy Friday!

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Deuteronomy 3:18 NIV

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comments below.)
What plans to you have this weekend?  Are you excited about spring?

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Overcoming Food Guilt

Twenty-two months into this journey, I would say that I pretty much have figured out how to eat well and keep my nutrition in check.  I would even say that I can afford a "cheat day" or two here and there (sometimes called a "re-feed") to give my metabolism a kick start.  I don't understand it at all, but it works.

Somehow, I still feel guilty when I eat foods that are "bad."  Why do we even assign  the label "bad" to food?  Today was a bad day.  A whole bunch of crazy things happened at work today and I never got to eat lunch, which lead to a crazy hungry woman by the time I got home.  I had a decent snack before working out at the gym, but at 5:30, I was feeling really horrible.  I had a headache, and that dull "low carb" feeling I get. So, I ordered fish & chips from Big Y.  Not a great idea nutritionally, but I didn't really care.  I ate half of it and followed up with a small serving of Bryer's Coffee Ice Cream (I needed the carbs).

The problem is that now I feel like a stuffed sausage and I feel guilty about having a bad day nutritionally.  I get it!  It doesn't matter too much if I blow it because I've lost so much weight, one bad day is not going to put 10 lbs. on me.  So, why do I feel guilty?  On the whole, I eat well, I eat clean and I make smart choices.  I allow an occasional "treat."  But the guilt...

So, I've been considering the root cause and I think I may get it.

When I was fat, I ate to provide myself with comfort.  I rarely made any smart choices about food.  So when I ate ice cream, pizza, fast food, fried food, or too much food - I always felt some level of "Awwww, there you go," which was followed by a guilty nagging voice in my head.  "You're fat and look at what you're eating.  You'll always be fat.  You are out of control."

Now...I'm not fat, and I don't seek food as a source of comfort.  I know when I am truly hungry.  Since today was a bad day at work, followed by some nutritional volcanoes, I think the guilt is  kind of like Pavlov's dog...it is a learned response.

So, to my friends who battle with weight.  Here's my advice to you.  If you feel guilty about food or nutritional choices, look deeply at what you are associating with the guilt.  Why do you feel guilty about food?  If you are on the road to a healthy lifestyle, you do NOT have to feel guilty about making an occasional poor choice for a meal, or having an cheat day from time to time.

Stop thinking that you had a "bad day" or that you were "bad."  Food does not carry moral characteristics, so you shouldn't associate good and bad with it!

When you fall off the wagon, get back on!  Don't let one day of poor choices derail your efforts.  The discouragement that goes along with that can set you back too far.

DO allow yourself an occasional treat.  You can have one treat without having an entire cheat day.  If you're on vacation, you can make smart food choices overall and allow yourself dessert.  Limiting what you eat all the time will prevent you from having long term success.

I realized today this is something with which I will continue to struggle.  I am not free from the battle with food.  As long as I feel guilty about eating something pleasurable, this will continue to be an area to address.

So, my friends, fight the good fight.  Be encouraged!  Be strong!  Keep at it.  Remember your goals.  Remember WHY you wanted to do this in the first place.

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31

Twenty-two months ago, I weighed 232 lbs.  It took me seven months for the motivation to kick in and another six months of doing things my own way before I finally gave up and took Dimitriy's advice.  That was an entire year of trial and error, but I never gave up.  Stick with it!  You CAN do it!

Fight the good fight!

Question for you... (Answer in the comment section below)

What did you have for dinner tonight?

What's your one biggest food weakness?

New:  Subscribe to new posts!  When a new post is added, you will receive an email notice so you can check it out.  I promise:  no SPAM and I won't share your email address with anyone.  Look at the top right side of the page to subscribe.  

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Cravings

What's your Achille's heel?  Do you go for salty or sweet?  Is it nachos you crave or cookies and ice cream?  In this post, I will share some tips for dealing with food cravings.  How I deal with food cravings has somewhat changed now that my goal is maintenance, not weight loss.  But the principles are the same.

Before I begin, I will tell you, most of it is discipline, which takes work.  It's hard to stick to your nutritional program if you don't practice self-discipline.  You do have to learn to say, "No."  To make healthy choices.

My Achille's heel is sugar.  I am addicted to cake, cookies, candy and ICE CREAM!  When I started watching my nutrition, I drastically cut back on my sugar intake because I could see what the sugar did to my carbs for the day.  I also realized that the sugary foods left me hungry, so it wasn't worth wasting my calories on ice cream or cookies.

When Dmitriy ordered a re-feed in July, I had to eat 3,000 calories each day.  I thought it would be hard, but I was able to do it. I made myself an ice cream sundae with bananas, peanut butter and chocolate sauce (top right).  The next day I ate a Friendly's ice cream sundae cup. 

Tip #1:  Keep track of everything!  Log your calories and pay attention to your macros.

When I first started training with Dmitriy, he said, "If you to you lose weight, you have to track your food.  Otherwise, I can't help you."

Are you serious?  You can't help me?  Or you won't help me?  I wasn't clear about that, so I agreed to do it for one week.  I was surprised at how easy it actually was.  By that time, I had lost 34 lbs., which meant  I had basic skills and some good habits already established.  The difference was that I was now keeping track of my food and limiting how much I ate and the kinds of food I ate.  After one week, I told him it wasn't that hard, where I was having difficulty and he gave me some suggestions, which I followed.

It worked.  I lost 13 lbs. at my first weigh-in in January (and that was right after the holidays).  After seeing the success, I was addicted.  It not only was easy for me, it became a way of life for me.  A day rarely goes by when I don't track my food.

Tip #2:  Don't let yourself get hungry!
Since I typically crave sugary sweet things and can't stop with just one serving, the trick is to keep myself from getting hungry.  I eat breakfast and lunch every day.  I also plan morning and afternoon snacks to keep my metabolism going and to fend off hunger between meals.  A Greek yogurt with granola, Chia seeds, or a side of fruit is a perfect mid-morning snack.  In the afternoon, I typically have a handful of almonds, a protein bar, or a banana.

I plan for breakfast, lunch and snacks every day!!!  This keeps me from being hungry and over indulging.

Tip #3:  Prohibit easy access!
This may sound obvious, but I don't buy the foods that tempt me most.  I live in a house with three men.

They want cookies, so I buy them Oreos. (I could care less about Oreos.)

Ice cream?  I buy Skinny Cows and I keep them in the freezer downstairs.  If I really have a hankering for ice cream, I have to walk all the way to the basement to get myself a Skinny Cow.  They are only 150 calories (pretty much all carbs, but that's okay) and they stave off my desire to binge on ice cream.

Tip #4:  Protein, protein, protein!
My macros have changed as my nutritional goals and metabolism has changed, but when I was in serious weight loss mode, 35% of my calories were allocated to protein.  This was hard for me at first, but I've learned a lot of tips and secrets.  (Read more here:  Protein and A Calorie is Not a Calorie.)

Eating enough protein helps me to NOT be hungry, which makes it less likely to give into cravings.

Tip #5:  Nuts and nut butters!
This is counter-intuitive to most, people, but nuts are an awesome value for their calories and fat.  Do you remember the days of the food pyramid?  Nuts and peanut butter were always at the tip of the food pyramid, grouped with foods to eat sparingly.  If you were on Weight Watchers, nuts and nut butters use up a lot of your points, so they are often discouraged (not from WW themselves, but the group).

In the afternoon, a handful of nuts will keep me going either until I get to the gym or until dinner.

That said, peanut butter, almonds, pistachios and other nuts DO use up a lot of calories and they DO use up a considerable amount of your fat for the day.  But they satisfy my hunger in a way nothing else can.  I often have a protein smoothies for breakfast.  They are easy to make and taste good.  Before I added 1 tbsp. of peanut butter to it, I was hungry by 8:30 a.m.  It took some getting used to the taste and consistency, but the 1 tbsp. of peanut butter kept me satisfied a lot longer.

Sometimes I'll just eat a spoonful of peanut butter.  Just because....

(I have a peanut butter problem:  ALL of these jars are open!)

Tip #6:  Keep your refrigerator stocked with healthy options!
This is what my refrigerator looks like:

Top shelf is just about all yogurt.  You can't see my produce drawer, which has mixed greens, carrots, celery and some apples. (The white container with the blue lid is left-over squash soup.)   I try to have things available for everyone in the family.

Tip #7:  Don't be afraid of fat!
Choose HEALTHY fats.  It's the saturated fats you want to limit.

Salmon is high is Omega-3's

Read about the benefits of Omega-3's and learn which foods are high in Omega-3's.

Coconut oil:  I've almost entirely cut out cream in my coffee, substituting coconut oil instead.  It's still just as many calories and fat, but the fats in coconut oil are easier to metabolize.  (You have to put it in a blender before you drink it.)  I also use it for baking and cooking.

Tip #8:  Stay hydrated!!!
Drink LOTS of water.  Don't be afraid of green tea.  There are lots of health benefits to green tea.
If you feel hungry, it could be that you are thirsty.  Staying properly hydrated will keep your hunger down, making it easier to resist cravings.

Drink LOTS of water every day!

In the cooler weather, I drink at least two-three cups of green tea every day.  I used to put honey in my tea, but I cut that out.  Instead, I add an extra flavored tea bag to give it more flavor.

Tip #9:  Finally, and this is not a tip, it's more practical advice.  If you cheat on your diet and give into your need for Doritos, nachos or ice cream, do yourself a favor and LOG the food.  Keep track of it.  Okay, so you ate an entire plateful of chili cheese fries, followed by a triple hot fudge sundae.  Enter it into your food journal.  Keep track of it.  This way, you can directly see how it affects your nutrition and subsequent weight loss / gain.  I only weigh myself once / week, so a treat on Saturday does not affect my weight on Thursday.  It's the bigger picture that counts.  Your overall nutrition, not a snapshot of what you eat on one day.

I don't care what I eat...if it's healthy or not.  I log everything.  As you can see, I'm not super strict with my nutrition anymore.  (I don't really have to be.)  But every day is not this picture.  I weigh myself once / week and I aim for 2,100 calories every day.  If I consistently go higher and see an increase in the scale, I know I have to lower my calories.  But I'm in maintenance mode right now.  If you are trying to lose weight, you want to aim to keep your calories within your limit as often as possible.  You can't have a cheat day every day and expect to see results.  The trick is discipline.

Now that my goal is to maintain my weight, not to lose weight, I allow myself more treats.  I am careful to measure everything at home and to log everything in my food journal.  Everything.

Pumpkin Beer!!!!!!!  with a cinnamon sugar rimmed glass.
206 calories, added to my food journal

Olive Garden Tiramisu, I shared with my husband... 235 calories.
Log EVERYTHING!!!  Even when you cheat!

My weight has stayed steady and for that, I am pleased.  I know I can't go hog wild, indulging in donuts, Tiramisu or chili cheese fries every day, but I can treat myself from time to time.  It's called balance.

New:  Subscribe to new posts!  When a new post is added, you will receive an email notice so you can check it out.  I promise:  no SPAM and I won't share your email address with anyone.  Look at the top right side of the page to subscribe.  

Follow me on Instagram:  @tracoleman99

Questions for you:  (Answer in the comment section below)
Salty or sweet?
What's the ONE food you crave the most?  

Emotional Eating

Nearly ever day, I am asked, "How did you do it?"  "Can you help me?"  I think this is both flattering and comical, because I am still learning myself.  Today I want to talk about emotional eating, but first let's revisit the basics.

It took me a LONG time to figure out how to eat right.  I used to say, "I'm a lifetime member of Weight Watchers, I know how to eat right."  Weight Watchers works when you're on it, but it does not really help long term.  And truth be told, I did not know how to eat right.  This was a really tough pill to swallow.

I learned how to eat right by tracking my calories and macronutrients, which took a while to get the hang of. My trainer really helped me...the key was not obsessing. I wrote about this in a previous blog:  Three Steps to Weight Loss.  Recently I saw this article on BodyBuilding.com that best explains a healthy nutritional plan:  How to Lose Weight.  My macronutrients are not divided exactly the way this article recommends, but following these principles has helped me lose weight and keep it off. 

Word of caution:  if you are using an app to track your calories, it may not give you a high enough calorie count!  Less than 1,200 calories is NOT enough.  I was eating about 1,300 calories and not losing weight and the foods I was eating were all wrong.  Furthermore, eating less did not help me listen to my body and did not help break the food addiction.

I was an emotional eater.  I used to eat for comfort. If I was stressed, I ate.  Sad?  Angry?  Overwhelmed?  Tired?  Anxious? Happy?  Food fed my soul and comforted me in an unhealthy way.  I have more of a sweet tooth than a "salty" tooth.  Give me cookies, ice cream or cake - I can pass on chips.  I craved carbs.  Once my body got used to my new way of eating, I stopped craving the sugars in my comfort foods.

Last year, food comforted me and helped me deal with my stress. Today I don't look to food to help me feel better.

If you are an emotional eater, like me, you need to find something else to help meet that need.  Continuing to reach for the bag of chips or ice cream during times of stress, means you will never meet your fitness goals and you'll always be on the yo-yo diet.  For me, exercise has replaced my need to eat.  As busy as I am, I always found time to sit down with a bowl of ice cream and watch TV or play FarmVille.  Working out (with a good playlist) provides the time to focus on me, to clear my mind of the day's trials (I make time for it).  I usually go to the gym after work (either straight from work or after dinner).  I tire myself out, return home to finish the night's tasks and crash.  I don't have time to feel too badly for whatever my circumstances are and I eat less.  Furthermore, writing this blog has helped me to focus on what I have learned along the way, which is therapeutic in itself.

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it  yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Hebrews 12:11

What about you? Does food comfort you? What will work for you to help meet your emotional need without killing your nutritional goals? Yoga and meditation are good ways to deal with stress and train your body.  Maybe it's a long walk with a great playlist. Reach out to your friends and talk to them about what's going on. Get a journal and write. Start your own blog. You may need to seek professional counseling to help you address it. Whatever you do, if this describes you, I implore you to consciously find a healthy alternative to help you deal with stress, which does not involve food or alcohol. (You do NOT want to substitute one addiction for another.)

I still love ice cream! I had a blizzard at Dairy Queen last month when I was on vacation visiting my family in Port Charlotte, FL. Ice cream is not evil...all in moderation. Google flexible dieting to read more about macros.